My host Mr. Cousins may not be able to spot the chance of a lifetime, but I certainly can. I’ve had to step over his goalie pads often enough to recognize his dedication to that particular blend of acrobatics and masochism known as ‘playing nets’, so when I see this, this and this on the World Wide Web, I feel I must speak up on his behalf. Being of a retiring nature (he’s been practicing to be retired for a quarter of a century now, but has yet to find anyone who will give him a pension in return for all those years of service), my good host would never put himself forth for such an opportunity for fame and fractures in the name of upholding the honour of a top-caliber professional hockey franchise. Allow me, then, to adopt the guise (and with any luck, the commission) of his agent pro tem, and enumerate his qualifications as an emergency backup goalie for any team that may find itself in dire straits in future:
-As well as being roughly the same age as this fellow, he has the same devil-may-care, happy-go-lucky attitude towards contusions, charley horses, knee sprains, groin pulls, separated shoulders, and concussions.
In addition, not only is he every bit the equal of our friend pictured above in terms of lateral motion, he has an extra degree of mobility, in the form of an uncanny knack for falling over on demand (and given time, even getting back up again).
-The mental aspect of his game is also beyond reproach. As well as having long since mastered the full vocabulary of epithets and obscenities required for every eventuality a goalie may encounter, he also has the streak of fatalism necessary to survive the existential rigours of his thankless task. He’s so fatalistic, in fact, that the first time he saw The Seventh Seal, he thought it was a comedy.
-If all you need is a backup goalie, he’s spent his entire hockey ‘career’ being just that. Not only have years of practice finely honed his ability to sit motionless on the end of a bench for long stretches of time, but he keeps this skill at razor-sharpness by training several hours every day on the sofa at home.
So, should any major league, minor league, or college hockey team (he still has full eligibility, assuming intramural games back in the Twentieth Century don’t count) require the services of an extra target who can be pressed into service to fill a roster spot in a pinch, contact me and we’ll arrange terms. In the meantime, he’s always welcome to work out with the Funsville Funsters, semi-pro though they may be.
Uncle Fun
P.S. Thanks but no thanks, Unk. The Funsters’ idea of ‘semi-pro’ involves me paying them…and by certified cheque.
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