When last we left you dangling
from the edge of a narrative cliff, Sparky had just risen to dizzying heights
in the alternate universe of television he had found himself in. After plunging
the entire civilized world into disarray, he installed himself as the
puppet-master of a New World Order whose nominal leader was veteran character
actor Wilford Brimley.
As you may remember, in this
universe, the dividing line between life in the real world and life in the
world of television was even less clear than it is in ours. So, the first thing
Sparky’s junta did to consolidate its hold on power was to forcibly remove an
extensive list of television programs from the air, sending their casts to
remote, windswept islands off the coast of Antarctica. The decisions concerning
which shows were spared followed a rationale that was, to say the least, highly
personal.
By and large, the people acquiesced
to this sweeping cull…until Sparky went one step too far, and set his sights on
Full House.
In keeping with the
inexplicable popularity of the show itself, the decision to “cancel” Full
House touched off an inexplicable popular revolt. Public support began to
coalesce behind a newfound champion of liberty—the erstwhile soap star, part-time
rock-and-roller and Full House cast member known as John Stamos.
Getting wind of the news that
Stamos’ followers had taken to calling him “Uncle Jesse” (after the name of his
character on Full House), a group of radical fans of Denver Pyle from The
Dukes of Hazzard took the law into their own hands. Styling themselves “The
Sons of The True Uncle Jesse”, they launched an insurrection of their own.
The immediate result was something
akin to pandemonium, only far less structured. The Uncle Jesse schism soon led
to a proliferation of uncle-led splinter groups, starting with Uncle Charley
from My Three Sons…
…followed in due course by
Uncle Joe from Petticoat Junction…
…then, in rapid succession,
Uncle Captain Huffenpuff from Beany and Cecil…
…Uncle Phil from The Fresh
Prince of Bel-Air…
…and the usually funny Kevin
Meany’s late, lamentable version of Uncle Buck.
Things didn’t go particularly
well for anyone in particular after that. In the midst of the confusion,
Sparky, like any good usurper who sees the handwriting on the wall, dropped
completely out of sight.
Gratified as I was that Sparky
was putting vital life lessons I had taught him into practice, his skill at
hiding wasn’t going to make it any easier to get him out of the world he was
trapped in and back to this one. We had no time to come up with a new rescue plan,
though, for even as we watched these latest developments, a sinister shadow
drew across the TV screen…
Science Boy didn’t even have to
turn around to recognize the stranger.
It’s…PROFESSOR PROTEUS—! he shrieked.
Whatever can this mean, gentle
readers (and rough ones as well)? I’m afraid you’ll have to wait another week
(or less, I hope) to find that out. In any case, I’d better sign off now. The lights
just flickered, and I hear the telltale sound of squeaking coming from under
the sofa. Time to call Funsville Light and Power, and break out the net I keep
handy for such occasions.
Uncle Fun
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