Uncle Fun and Sparky Land

Hello there, folks, it’s Moose again.

Before we get started, I want to get one thing straight. I’m neither one way or the other about Hostess going all Twinkies-up. People look at me and assume that the little fat girl must have a deeply held opinion on the subject of snack cakes, but as far as I’m concerned, if you’ve tasted one cream-filled hunk of extruded Styrofoam, you’ve tasted them all. It’s Sparky, not me, who has a Proustian epiphany whenever he remembers what a Vachon Miami smells like (google the name—it’s beyond a simple explanation). It’s Sparky who can distinguish between a Moon Pie, a Wagon Wheel, a May West, and a Jos. Louis, based on the sounds they make when you step on them.

It’s also Sparky who can’t spell his way out of a Ding Dong wrapper, so he’s dragooned me once again into taking dictation for him. None of the speculations that follow are based on anything that resembles clear thinking or common sense. That doesn’t mean they aren’t worth mulling over, though.

First of all, I want to stress that Sparky knows that the victims of the Hostess bankruptcy are not the consumers. Things like the Donner Party, he says, are proof that people will eat anything. In fact, as Sparky sees it, a snack food company could put something called “Donner Party Mix” on the market and count on basic human curiosity to sell out the initial production run.

No—the sad fact of all of this is that people will lose their jobs. Prospects being what they are these days, a lot of them may be forced to seek out sources of income that aren’t, strictly speaking, legal. This situation is no respecter of persons, either. The uncertain future of the individual Hostess brands means that many of the company’s most trusted faces could be thrown back on their own resources, and be forced to earn their living by their wits—or worse. Fruit Pie the Magician could certainly put his skills of legerdemain to lucrative use by running a successful short con…

 

…and Happy Ho Ho is already dressed for a career in highway robbery.

 

That’s bad enough for sure, but more troubling still is the threat to commercial shipping that could be posed by Captain Cupcake, should he place his navigational experience and expertise at the service of high seas piracy.

 

Not even Hostess’ most beloved corporate icon could resist such a temptation, if things get tight for him. What bank vault or armoured car could keep its treasure safe from the larcenous lasso of Twinkie the Kid?

Thank goodness he’s no longer kosher. If Israel could use him as a mercenary, all bets would be off for a cease-fire in Gaza.  

Moose

(dictated by Sparky )