Uncle Fun and Sparky Land

     As Droopy, the dog from the old MGM cartoons, would say, “hello, all you happy taxpayers”. Mr. Cousins was planning to put his ten thumbs to the keyboard this week to extol the genius of Vic Mizzy, the tunesmith who wrote the theme music for Green Acres and other television shows. Incidentally, did you know that the theme for The Addams Family was all sung by Vic Mizzy, via overdubbing, because he didn’t want to pay for professional singers? (The things you learn when you don’t really have the urge to learn them, huh folks?) On the dual theme of fiscal austerity and music, Cousins got sidetracked from his paean because he was, in the words of a long-forgotten ditty, deep in the heart of taxes. I’ll leave it to Sparky to explain the rest, because, frankly, I still can’t figure out what happened.

Uncle Fun

Sure…palm off th’ diffickult explanashuns on me. Forchunnitt’ly, folks, th’ explanashun ain’t too hard ta follow, if ya’ve got a M.B.A. frum Harvard Biz, an’ went ta th’ London Skool’a Eckanommicks. Ya see, Mister Kuzzents has bin havin’ tax trubbles, not on ackount’a th’ usuwall reason of his ineptitood with money, but b’cuz th’ new baby Ruby (hereinafter referred to as “Next Year’s Dedcution”) wuz yowlin’ so much that Mister an’ Missus Kuzzents cooden think straight ta fill out their returns. So, I offer’d ta do their taxes for ‘em, an’ sints I diddent hear them say “no” over Next Year’s Deduction cryin’, I went ahead an’ did it.

Honestly, I don’ see whut all the fuss about taxes is all about. All’s ya do iz go online wit’ th’ tax d’partmunt, type a few things in, click, an’ yer done. Th’ rest iz details—which iz whut th’ tax people hire ackountunts for, anyways. By followin’ a few simple common-cents rules’a thumb, you too can git th’ refund ya d’serve.

 

SPARKY'S TAX TIPS

by Sparky (me)

All Rights Reserved

-If ya can’t r’member whut ya got paid fer, an’ when, it ain’t income. Also, if ya dint get paid enuf, it ain’t either, ‘cuz yer still b’hind on th’ deal, so why should ya get taxed fer bein’ on th’ short end’a th’ money stick?

-If ya already spent it, it’ ain’t income neither, sints it ain’t “in” no more, it’s “out”.

-If ya bought anything retail, th’ sales tax counts as “tax already dedcuted”, and gets taken off yer payable. This also goes fer parkin’ tickuts, libary fines, pet registrashun, an’ yer electrick bill (itza monopoly, which makes it th’ govimmunt, in my estimashun).

-If ya ate at a rest’raunt an’ th’ food er service wuzzent too good, th’ tip counts azza charitbbul donashun.

-Likewise fer Chrissmuss cards an’ prezunts ya hadda send ta people ya don’t really like, er are at least indiffernt to.

-When in doubt, follow th’ principulls’ a trickle-down eckanommicks. Sints th’ govimmunt iz way, way richer’n you, at least some’a their money otta trickle in yer gen’rull direckshun.

So, I wuzzent s’prised that, by my reckunning, th’ govimmunt owed Mister Kuzzents somethin' in th’ neighburhood’a just under 1.7 million. Mister Kuzzents dint quite see things my way—an’ I can’t say as I’m entiyurely pleased wit’ him referrin’ ta me an’ Moose as “H an’ R Blockhead”.

(Neither am I. All I did was run to Staples for a fresh box of pencils when Sparky broke his last one. –Moose)

I also don’ get whut has Misterr Kuzzents so unnerv’d. If th’ Canadian tax d’partmunt is hirin’ extra auditurs this year, it’s only ta keep ‘em frum bein’ hired first by th’ Auditur Gen’rull. They’ll all be reassign’d when th’ joodishul inquiry inta govimmunt corrupshun starts.

Ya’d think someone who took so many hist’ry corses in collidge otta know how ta take th’ long view’a things, but Mister Kuzzents wuzzent inclin’d ta look beyond th’ here an’ now. He’s now inta his fourth day’a callin’ th’ tax d’partmunt an’ bein’ put on hold while they figger out where ta transfer his call. As fer me, I say sleeping documents lie, an’ just wait fer ‘em ta process his file. If worst comes ta worst, 1.7 million dollars’ll pay fer a heckuva good lawyer.

Sparky

P.S. If ya wanna hear about more tax problums (an’ who duzzent?), click on the blue linky-letters ta hear another one’a Mr. Feeble’s Fables. If ya like it, ya might wanna dial up Mr. Kuzzents c/o this blog, an’ see if ya can’t hire him ta do stuff like it for ya. Anything ta make his taxable income fer next year a little more than nil.