Uncle Fun and Sparky Land

 

One thing you can say about straw is that it isn’t traceable...not like a personal cheque for ninety grand, that’s for darn sure. And, on that note, hi-de-ho there, friends in Canada -- and I say that because, if anybody else cares about what I’m going to say, you have my sympathy. It’s introduction time again, since my chances to headline on this stage are farther apart than the seams on my 4XL toreador pants. I’m Milady Madeira M’Dear, sorceress extraordinary, and purveyor of potions to finer gentry and squalid commoners alike.

So much for that claptrap. Down to business. Speaking of business, if you’ve been in the magic business as long as I have, you can spot someone in need of the old abracadabra a mile away. Or in this case, 1.6 kilometres, since that’s how they measure their miles in Canada. (You get I’m going to be talking about Canada from here on in, right? Okay. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

So anyway, the Conservative government of Canada looks like it’s in need of the services of a good witch, seeing as how most of what they’ve been telling people is straight out of a fairy tale. Frankly, I don’t think an entire coven of A-list witches working round-the-clock shifts through weekends for a year could brew up a ladder long enough to help these goofballs out of the hole they’re digging for themselves.  Still, I hate to see dumb animals suffer, even if the animals in question are nothing more than slimy two-faced chiselling Tory creeps.

That last bit is kind of like saying the same thing five times in a row, isn’t it? Well, whatever. If I was going to give these reactionary jerktards a helping hand (and, as you can tell, I’m not), I’ve got a few old reliable tricks that I could pull out of my pointy hat, once I got it unstuck from the bobby pins.

On the “getting unstuck” front, the collective bargaining agreement for the UAW (the Union of Amalgamated Witches, that is) forbids me from helping liars un-tell lies. By rights, that should be game, set and match for Tories all across Canada. Even so, there’s still plenty that any of my card-carrying sisters could pull off, if they had a mind to.

For starters, there are a few methods of fundraising which the Conservatives haven’t looked into, probably because they’re all perfectly legal. For instance:  

- A magic pig to help them hunt for rare and expensive truffles which they can sell to fancy restaurants at an exorbitant mark-up.

- A magic truffle to help them hunt for rare and expensive pigs which they can sell to fancy restaurants at an exorbitant mark-up.

- A goose that lays golden eggs...oh wait -- they’ve already got that. It’s called “anonymous corporate donations”. Okay then, a goose that lays golden eggs filled with legitimate receipts for travel, accommodation, and other expenses.

- While we’re on the topic of whether people actually live where they say they do, I’ll give you one of my personal favourites. It’s a house made of croutons, which can be set up anywhere a senator needs to establish residency. Plant a garden of romaine lettuce around it, and you can bulldoze the whole thing into a giant Caesar salad when you’re done with it.

Now, money may make the world go ‘round, but the world of politics runs on a hybrid engine. Here’s a few more things that might come in handy:

- On his or her birthday, every member of the Conservative Party gets a cake with a file baked into it. (It’s a good bet that at least some of them will be doing time in the near future, so better safe than sorry.)

- For the ones who do wind up in the stir, autographed copies of Blind Ambition by John Dean and All the President’s Men. (I don’t know why these aren’t required reading for everyone who runs for public office, but there you have it.)

- For Stephen Harper, a magic mirror that dispenses advice -- and issues public disclaimers for advice not followed.

 

 

- A talking cat that can also whistle “Ain’t Misbehavin’” while doing a soft shoe in swim fins and juggling cinder blocks. (All this will do is distract people from the scandals, but hey, every little bit helps.)

- Better yet, a new leadership review process. Instead of conducting the review on a “one riding, one vote” basis, all party members have to kiss toads, newts, and salamanders to see if any of them turns into a handsome prince (the toads, the newts, the salamanders, or the people kissing them...who cares? I know I don’t). This won’t work at all, but it’ll be entertaining for anyone who isn’t a Conservative to watch. Mind you, it’s kind of like the way they wound up with the leader they’ve got right now...minus the kissing, of course.   

- And, last but not least, a spell to put Elections Canada, the Auditor General, the RCMP fraud squad, and the Canadian electorate to sleep for a hundred years. By then, the statute of limitations on most of what they’ve done should have pretty much expired.

Well, it’s time for me to go. I hear on the witches’ grapevine that the mayor of someplace called Toronto (is that actually a city?) is looking for a way to explain away...well, here it gets a little hazy, but I get the sense that what we’re talking about is something along the lines of “everything he’s ever done”. 

Milady M. M’Dear