Uncle Fun and Sparky Land

 

 

What did I do on my summer vacation? Tried not to think about stuff like this.

So, anyway, hi there, classmates. It’s the girl everyone here calls “Moose”—I'm seated in the front row in the illustration, but for now I'm your temporary classroom monitor. Hold your spitwads 'til I'm done. Uncle Fun has handed this space over to me because he thinks I’m some kind of expert on this week’s topic. Having to go back to school makes me about as much of an expert on education as being a four-inch Ardox nail would make me an expert on carpentry. It works out roughly the same either way—you get hammered on constantly, and it leaves you feeling all flat in the head.

I’m stuck doing a solo because Sparky’s been excused from this remedial exercise. He’s what they like to call a “self-motivated learner”, which is a teacher-speak way of saying he’s unteachable. Whatever way he actually manages to absorb knowledge, it still doesn’t technically qualify as “education”. My best guess is that it involves a combination of osmosis, photosynthesis, and plain old dumb luck.

But that’s neither here nor there. If you can stand it (and I know I barely can), here’s my contribution to Show and Tell. It’s probably just as well that Sparky isn’t helping me—if he were, he’d be butting in with some lame joke about “Show and Tell” being an old variety act featuring a Swiss archer shooting apples off the head of a former Radio City Rockette.

Then again, maybe that would be better than what I’m about to present to you…if, as, and when I finally present it. The point I’ve been killing time trying to avoid getting around to is that, for a lot of kids like me, this is the end of the first week of school—and if you are like me, then the end of the first week of school can’t come soon enough. I stagger through it feeling like I’ve forgotten everything I’ve ever learned—and not just the stuff I was supposed to have learned in school. By the end of that first school week, I’m just starting to get the handle back on what to do at recess…or lunch…or how to tie my shoes without tying them to one another, for that matter.

To add insult to injury, I always seem run across at least one well-meaning sadist of a teacher who thinks that a pop quiz to review what we learned last year will help make the first day of school a meaningful experience for everyone. If there’s some definition of “meaningful” that involves making thirty children burst spontaneously and in unison into tears, then Mission Accomplished, Professor.

Because I don’t believe in suffering alone, I’m springing a pop quiz of my own on you. Get out your pencils and paper; find a calculator if you need to. This comprehensive exam begins right now. Put those crib sheets away, and don’t try looking over the shoulder of the student next to you for the answers—I’ll be watching.

MATH

You are the CEO of a corporation whose yearly earnings were $21,597,114,643.72. However, your operating costs were $45,823,228,651.91. How much money did you lose?

a. $24,226,114,008.19

b. Don’t ask me; we subcontract the numbers end of the business to an accounting firm.

c. Nothing: I took early retirement with a full pension and a hefty buyout package, so I’m way ahead on the deal.

 

ENGLISH

Which of the following is correct?

a. My two favourite musicians is Taylor Swift and Bruno Mars.

b. My two favourite musicians are Taylor Swift and Bruno Mars.

c. I really need to expose myself to a wider variety of better music.

 

HISTORY

The most important long-term consequence of the Battle of Hastings in 1066 was:

a. To reorient Britain politically, culturally, and socially away from the North Sea region, and towards the larger community of nations of Continental Europe.

b. To provide a marketing angle for the makers of the Bayeux Tapestry.

c. To ensure that Will and Kate would never consider “Harold” as a name for their new son.

 

SCIENCE

Which of the following is the most commonly-accepted theory for the disappearance of the dinosaurs?

a. Gradual climate change brought on by subtle shifts in the tilt of the Earth’s axis

b. Sudden climate change brought on by comets colliding with the Earth

c. Dinosaurs still walk among us—as you’ll discover when you meet my folks on parent-teacher night.

 

CIVICS AND GOVERNMENT

A series of checks and balances to limit executive power and safeguard the rights of ordinary citizens is best expressed in:

a. A British-style parliamentary system

b. The Constitution of the United States

c. A series of what and what to do what? No—seriously—that was a joke, right?

 

LITERATURE

Which of the following does not occur in a story by Franz Kafka?

a. A man turns into a giant cockroach and is shunned by his friends and family, without ever understanding why this has happened to him.

b. A man is tried and executed for an unnamed crime, without ever understanding why this has happened to him.

c. A man turns into a giant cockroach, goes to France, and is tried and executed in the place of another giant cockroach that looks just like him, without ever understanding why he’s wound up in a story by Charles Dickens.

 

Fortunately for all of us, that was just a practice test. I say “all of us” because I have no idea whatsoever how to mark it. Give yourself an “A” for effort if you made it this far. Class dismissed. Be sure to have your essay outlines ready for the next time we meet. The topic is “Should autodidacts qualify for tenure and a full pension from the teachers’ union?”

Moose