Tales of the 99% (okay—more like the 99.99%)...

The Funday Sunnies featuring Duncan offers a little much-needed self-help for all of us:

I think it was Hunter S. Thompson who once said that everybody is somebody else’s weirdo; it turns out that everybody is also somebody’s else's crashing bore.

Hello again, eager followers of narrative recapitulation:

   If you are one of the literally two or three people who have been following our account of Sparky’s disappearance into an alternate dimension, you will be aware that our pint-size picaroon had been trapped among the programs of the curiously-named Golden Age of Black-and-White Television. Stumped for a method to bring him back to what passes for reality down our way, Science Boy, Moose and I went off to seek help. As we left him, Sparky was in the process of giving a hard time to Tom Terrific:

   As fate (or a writer’s shortcut) would have it, our ace in the hole on all matters supernatural, Milady Madeira M’Dear, had already gotten wind of the problem through her crystal ball, and was hard at work on a solution. A part-time practising sorceress with full borrowing privileges at the local branch of the Witches’ and Warlocks’ Lending Library, M’Dear has dabbled in potions, hexes, and incantations for more years than it’s polite to ask a lady (particularly a lady who can turn you into a toad for asking it). When we arrived at M’Dear’s pied-à-terre, she was thumbing through the index of her favourite reference book:

   This cursory research seemed to indicate that our current dilemma was beyond the reach of either the “bubbling-cauldron” or the “abracadabra” approach. Instead, M’Dear opted for a good old-fashioned in-person whammy on Sparky’s cathode ray prison, delivered from a reverse layout off a triple-twisting arabesque:

   All that did for Sparky was get him into a nasty standoff with Agnes Moorehead:

   However, every good witch’s motto is “if at first you don’t succeed, zap it harder”, and M’Dear is no exception. Falling back on a tried-and-true formula for success on television, she decided to try doing it with mirrors:

   The end result of this attempt gave M’Dear’s application of English an unnecessarily literal aspect:

   After a continuity announcement about the rescheduling of a cricket test match due to rain (imagine that in England), Coronation Street came on. I’m pretty sure that Macmillan was still Prime Minister at the time, but Britain was already swinging enough that the checking of ID’s at public houses was, shall we say, a little on the lax side:

   Rather than risk alienating you all with more inside references like that last one, I’ll end this chapter of the saga here. Meanwhile, on Uncle Fun and Sparky Land 2, a choice of viewing includes edited highlights of Rupert Murdoch hacking into his own cellphone so he can get all the dirt on what he’s been up to.

   Don’t forget to pay your licence fees before the Uncle Fun and Sparky Land detector van comes through your area.

Uncle Fun

In spring, a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of couples therapy…

In this week’s edition of The Funday Sunnies featuring Duncan, love…or something...is in the air:

Those with respiratory conditions are advised to stay indoors until it all blows over.

Happy Friday, devotees of pointless serialization:

   You may recall that our story of Sparky Lost and Found had taken us to the North Funsville Rural Concession Dump (East Annex), where we encountered an old black-and-white television set which spontaneously produced this image:

   You may not recall it, either. In any case, you know about it now.

   I’m accustomed enough to unusual occurrences, but even I had to wonder what had happened to imprison Sparky in a half-century old cathode ray tube. The smell of smoke and the sight of flames leaping from Science Boy’s hip pocket furnished the beginnings of an answer.

   It seems that Science Boy always carries a device for detecting disturbances in the fabric of reality, and something had made its circuits overload. After Moose had beaten out the flames with a nearby car fender, Science Boy repaired his malfunctioning reality gauge (his shattered pelvis would have to wait to be repaired). Taking a series of readings from the immediate vicinity, he determined that Sparky’s experiments with do-it-yourself rocketry had blasted a pathway through to an alternate dimension, one in which Sparky’s life essence had become jumbled up with television transmissions from the distant past.

   As if to confirm this hypothesis, the image on the TV screen snapped out of phase…

   …then resolved itself with Sparky standing next to Rod Serling.



   The episode of The Twilight Zone that followed came out a little differently than I remembered:

   “Maybe we can get him out by changing the channel,” Moose suggested. We all agreed that anything was worth a try. Besides, Gunsmoke was on next, and I’ve never been too keen on westerns.

   A click of the dial gave us an episode of Sgt. Bilko with a new addition to the motor pool platoon:

 



   Before the half-hour was over, thanks to Sparky, Colonel Hall had been promoted to five-star general, and was appointed to replace William Westmoreland as head of American forces in Vietnam. None of us thought it was worth sticking around to watch the news to see how that worked out, so we changed channels again. The Ernie Kovacs Show, as so often happened, featured an appearance by the Nairobi Trio—joined this time by a guest artiste:

   We stayed on this channel through to the next program—The Untouchables. We sensed that something might be amiss when we saw Eliot Ness led away in leg irons just after the opening credits.

   Al Capone and Frank Nitti may need to start working another side of the street…tune in next time to see if Sparky hangs ar0und in Gangland long enough to go toe-to-toe with Efrem Zimbalist, Jr.

Uncle Fun

For those of you who think that “little John” is a portable toilet, a quick refresher course in English folklore…

This instalment of The Funday Sunnies featuring Duncan seems to have gotten sidetracked by Ye Olde Scheduling Conflict:

Maybe somebody should steal him a copy of Ye Olde Seven Habits of Ye Olde Highly Effective People.

Can you overrun first base if you're being overrun by first basemen?

Hello, fellow questers after granting-body-fundable truth, this is…

…Science Boy.

   Now that Fenway Park (named after its designer, the Chinese-Korean architect Fen Wai Park) is offically entering its second century as a major legue ballyard, I thought you might like to know about the important part my team at the Advanced Research Division of the Legion of Goodness have played in the long and storied history of the stadium’s principal tenants. It was, in fact, my suggestion that Boston’s American League baseball franchise be named after the random expected value of the deviation of the sum of all variables in a series beginning with zero to the unknown power of X. The equation was abbreviated thus to fit on to the front of a jersey:

   More important than that, however, was the vital research undertaken by my team, and underwritten by the Red Sox, to help improve the game of baseball. We established, by means of a complicated series of algorithms, and some even more complicated rounds of “I spy” played in darkened rooms, that the first baseman is frequently a baseball team’s top run producer, and almost always leads the team in defensive putouts. Therefore, we determined that the perfect baseball player would be a first baseman who can play other positions as well. Over the years (don’t ask how long—let’s just say it involves a time machine, a steady supply of an elixir of youth, and a couple of other things you don’t want to know about), we have genetically engineered a number of prototypes with the ultimate goal of providing the Boston Red Sox with an entire team made up of first basemen. We are now just one step short of this goal, thanks to the success of Experiment 1B/UT-20, better known to baseball fans as “Kevin Youkilis”.

   A series of splices on Chromosome 3 (which establishes dominant first-basemen tendencies) has allowed Youkilis to take the field at whatever defensive position is required; once we override cellular rejection of mitochondrial RNA which would suppress an inherited tendency to hang curveballs, Youkilis will have full pitching capability, and will be ready for cloning under laboratory conditions, and then on the assembly line.

   With first-baseman perfection so close to becoming a reality, I’ve prepared a quick review of our previous experiments as a way of answering the question “can you make an entire baseball team of first basemen who have played for the Boston Red Sox?”

   Naturally, we’ll skip first base, since any member of this team who isn’t playing another position can play there. We’ll start instead at…

SECOND BASE

Billy Goodman

   To date, Billy is the only utilityman to win a batting title. Don’t look upon the fact that Goodman played 5 different positions while hitting .354 in 1950 as a sign that he was only there for his bat: see it as evidence of his supreme first-basemanly versatility.

SHORTSTOP

Nomar Garciaparra

   He put in 9 years as the Red Sox’ shortstop before the implantation of middle-infielder antibodies began to attack his immune system, forcing him to finish his major league career as a Dodger first baseman.

  Nomar is the obvious choice to start at short, but Jose Offerman will always be a sentimental favorite of mine…even though his fielding at times made it seem as though he’d have been better off with a snow shovel than a baseball glove.

 

THIRD BASE

Wade Boggs

 

   This Hall of Fame third baseman and 5-time batting champion spent his minor league career as a first baseman. He also began his Red Sox career at first base before switching after Carney Lansford (another of our successful experiments) was traded.

   Honourable mention goes to Jimmie Foxx, who began his major-league career at third base. We hadn’t quite gotten our hybridization techniques down pat when we worked on him, since we didn’t fully understand the demands of the third-base position yet. We assumed that Jimmie would be able to redirect batted balls off his big barrel chest with as much accuracy as he could make throws across the infield.

OUTFIELD

   Experiments with converting first basemen into left fielders were practically unnecessary, since any defensive ability at all is considered a bonus at that position. Developing the stronger throwing arm required of a right fielder unfortunately has proven a tougher nut for the First Baseman Conversion Project team to crack.

   Making the best outfield possible from the players that we have worked on requires bit of positional shuffling. Legendary Bosox left fielder Carl Yastrzemski would instead patrol right field…

  …while Bill Buckner’s smaller defensive range and weaker arm would leave him in left field…which, to the relief of Red Sox Nation, leaves him as far from first base as possible.

   Center field is also occupied by a controversial candidate—although it should be noted that the San Francisco Giants thought enough of Jack Clark’s foot speed and throwing arm to play him in center. Then they decided to try and win games, and shifted him to right.

CATCHER

   This position is an easy conversion. In fact, our earliest experiments with creating the ideal first baseman involved taking catchers and ruining their knees, backs, and throwing arms. One of our first breakthroughs on this part of the Red Sox Project was Rudy York.

   I hear the pros watch the ball into their gloves…but if you cross the plate a lot after you hit the ball, they tend to overlook how many times you drop the ball when you’re behind it. A batter who could hit a ton but who couldn’t really catch or play first base was half the battle won, at any rate.

   We fared much better with Scott Hatteberg.

He was a good enough catcher that he didn’t revert to first base until he signed with the Oakland A’s. We’re also very pleased with how our adjustments to his amygdala allowed him to take a full-bodied swing at every pitch he committed to.

PITCHER

   Wade Boggs could fill in here and throw a wicked knuckleball, but another former minor-league first baseman threw a better one for the Red Sox:

   Tim wakefield ’s resiliency makes him a one-man bullpen, because another Red Sox pitcher who played first base is the ace of the staff:



   No need for a designated hitter when you’ve got babe ruth toeing the rubber.

   While I check my messages to see if Cooperstown or the Human Genome Project has returned my calls, you can step into the batter's box at Box.com and listen to my latest adventure at this link. Until next time, remember—you’ll always be safe at home if you touch all bases first (whatever that means…I think I learned it from “One to Grow On” during a rainout on an NBC Saturday baseball broadcast).

  



Good news, lovers of happy endings and other types of self-serving closure:

   Sparky has been found, but he’s still lost—if that makes any sense to you. I don’t mean that he’s lost in a spiritual or existential sense—although that’s always been true. I mean that we know where he is, but we can’t bring him back to where we are…not yet, at any rate.

   Right now is when you’d probably like an explanation to begin, so here it comes. You remember that, to celebrate Wernher von Braun’s birthday, Sparky clamped bottle rockets onto the Funmobile and blasted off for parts unknown. (If you don’t remember, you can look it up by clicking here.) When the debris of the Funmobile came crashing down to earth a couple of days ago, we all feared the worst. However, we also knew that if anyone could get the Powers That Be to grant a stay of execution on the law of gravity, it was Sparky. Notwithstanding our optimism, a house-to-house search of the Greater Funsville Area turned up nothing but expressions of gratitude at the news of Sparky’s disappearance. (One place we stopped at has been sending fruit baskets every four hours to congratulate us.)

   Common sense says we should have given up. As often happens when Common Sense chooses to walk away from a problem, Higher Learning steps in and makes the most of whatever’s left over after Common Sense is gone for good. Our resident champion of complicated answers to simple questions, Science Boy, rigged up the CyberMoose (a fascinating invention you can read about by clicking here) with something he called a ‘Sparkyfinderator’. Priming the tracking device with whatever alpha waves had leaked out of Sparky’s head into the lining of one of his old hats, Science Boy set CyberMoose loose on the trail of its elusive quarry. (By the way, why is it that so many quarries are elusive? Surely some of them must just sit there, waiting to be found. Still, it wouldn’t seem right for a quarry to be anything but elusive, somehow…it robs the whole thing of its sporting touch.)

   Tracing a zig-zaggy route through every back alley, side lane and overflow culvert in a ten-mile area, CyberMoose finally came to a dead stop in a neglected corner of the North Funsville Rural Concession Dump. Sitting largely upright amid the other detritus was a Philco television set, 1950’s vintage, black-and-white variety.

   As if bidden by some distant remote control, it switched on…

   ...a picture began to form out of the static.

   To our surprise and amazement, this is what we saw and heard…

   As they say, tune in later for further developments.

Uncle Fun