Hello, hockey fans, and all those who have to live with them:
With the NHL season opening this week, two questions are uppermost in the minds of Canada’s legion of shinny-watchers. Will the new Winnipeg Jets be challengers? And, if so, will members of cabinet use them at the taxpayer’s expense?
Ask a silly question…I think it’s high time I turned this space over to Sparky, so he can explain what he’s been doing to get ready for the nine-odd months of organized mayhem on ice that have just gotten underway.
Thanks, Foster (my colour-communtary joke fer th’ old folks out there). As is per usual, I’ve bin puttin’ tagether my annyuwall draft picks fer my fantasy hockey team. This wuz my ‘ridginnul choice fer goalie:
If Plastic Man kin hold back a convertibull, stretchin’ ‘cross six-by-four foot’a net ta stop a puck otta be a snap. He don’t leave much five-hole, neither.
‘Parently, tho’ “fantasy league” don’ mean acktuwall fantasy, which also means that my plan ta play my team’s home games on’ th’ dark side’a th’ planet Mercury got scotched like so much tape. There goes our home-ice advantudge bas’t on’ th’ extreem low cold temperchur an th’ differeuntz in gravity frum Earth. Instead, Uncle Fun insisted whut that my choices otta have some kunneckshun with sumpin’ that sounded like “very silly mint chewed”, which I guess means actual real-live, real-life hockey an’ stuff. So, here’s th’ sieve I hadda settle for:
He’s ugly, his mom dresses him funny, an’ he’s got th’ kinda unorthadocks, outta-control style that gets coaches placin’ standin’ orders fer Di-gel with their lockul farmassees. If I gotta be stuck with Mistur Awkwurd an’ his self-separatin’ shoulders, I’d better have a rowbust pair’a deefensemun what’ll keep th’ crease clear whiles he surrounds th’ puck an’ ressles it inta submission:
These couple’a salty sea dogs look like they wooden take no guff from Moby Dick even.
Whatever, Monstro. Next, I pickt this scrappy face-off speshullist as my cennermun. He looks like an ace pennulty-killer, too. As well, if things get nasty, I betcha he knows howta spear guys in th’ pertective cup an’ get away with it.
Ju’s so’s ya know that my coachin’ filossofee ain’t nowheres like th’ illustrayshun at th’ top’a this entry, I’ll tellya I allus make a point’a pickin’ a big-time scorin’-type winger. My choice fer triggerman came down ta these two guys:
This smoothie looks ta have a good set’a hands, but he might be kinduva creampuff in the corners. So, I opted fer this other guy instead:
He looks like he won’t be so shy to dig the puck out along th’ boards, an’ he’s got that breakaway acksellerashun that wuz made fer th’ new era of no-red-line play.
Ta make up fer th’ undersizedness of my other two forwards, my other winger needed ta have moreuva pshysicull presence:
I double-dog dare anyone onna pair’a skates ta tangle with this big bruiser. Those psycho eyes’a his could mean suspenshuns galore, tho’. Do I get a extra pick I kin use onna good criminnul lawyer?
POSTSCRIPT: No, Sparky, I don’t think your salary cap includes either a legal retainer or a fund for bail bonds.
Uncle Fun
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