Those Magi have got a lot to answer for, in my opinion...

Tidings of Comfort and Joy, All Ye Merry Consumers:

Tho’ Christmas Day is bearing down on us like a runaway freight train on an icy track, there’s still time to purchase tokens of love and appeasement for all those Special Someones on your list. We at the Uncle Fun and Sparky Clearing House have last-minute gift ideas for every taste and budget, including this year’s big holiday bargain, Downgraded Belgian Government Bonds. For those of you whose spending limit and tolerance for bankruptcy proceedings are a bit more modest, we offer the following suggestions for those hard-to-buy-for family members, friends, coworkers, bosses, teachers, paperboys, garbage men, process servers, and anyone else you want to get off your back until next December:

Dedicated blade shavers swear by the smooth feel that you can only get from a nice sharp razor. They also swear AT all the cuts and abrasions that you can only get from a nice sharp razor. Why not get your favourite self-lacerating face-scraper a little holiday pick-me up, in the form of the OLD ST. NICK AFTERSHAVE AND STYPTIC PENCILS GIFT SET?



The aftershave comes in three festive scents: Egg Nog, Mistletoe, and Last Year’s Fruitcake, and at 120 proof makes the ideal kicker for a dull Christmas party punch. The styptic pencils have a faint aroma of candy canes and bayberry candles, and with all the little incidents of bloodletting that happen in the average home during the holidays, are sure to be a hit with young and old alike.

The ladies on your list will also be able to look their best the whole Yuletide long, if you give them our sampler pack of GOOD KING WENCES’ GLOSS.

Our spectrum-enhancing neon pigments will make your lips shine as brightly as the moon that night when a poor man came in sight, gathering winter fu-u-el, and our blend of space-age polymers and eco-harvested tree resins from the jungles of Central America will give them a sheen that stays deep and crisp and even.

After his encounter with The Cat Who Played For Keeps, our good friend Mr. Cousins can attest to the need to keep your kitty in the Christmas spirit. Sparky searched the internet for nearly a full minute, and found no such item for sale (not even at Hammacher Schlemmer, and they have EVERYTHING you’d ever want), so we’re pleased to offer to you, at a significant discount from our standard holiday retail price, a limited-edition, hand-crafted prototype of  THE SANTA CLAWS SCRATCHING POST.

Another country heard from. Thank you, Miss Moose. A rush order for a lump of coal to be expedited to your stocking has been dispatched to Kris Kringle.  

There is, however, one item which never fails to do the trick, even when you’re shopping for the person who has everything, and then some. It’s THE UNCLE FUN AND SPARKY CLEARING HOUSE SUPER-SPECIAL, ULTRA-FESTIVE HOLIDAY RE-GIFT CERTIFICATE.



This is, after all, the season of giving—and what says ‘giving’ more than giving something that’s already been given?

And, in the whole spirit of all that, with visions of sugarplums dancing in its head and so forth, here’s a link you can click on to listen to something which belongs not to one person, but to the ages. If you can’t get festive hearing Fats Waller singing ‘Jingle Bells’, get on Santa’s knee, and ask him to check you for a pulse.

So, laying a finger aside of my nose...

And fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la to you too, Sparky. Merry Christmas to all, and to all…oh, you know the rest.

Uncle Fun