Would a criminal organization for making predictions be called ‘The Cosa Nostradamus’…? ...oh, never mind…

Happy 2012, Fellow Denizens of the Worldwide Web:

   Many thanks for having stopped here in the midst of your Google-searches for hangover cures for the New Year’s Day after the New Year’s Eve before. The year 2012 promises to be a pivotal one, providing as it does the vital link between the years 2011 and 2013. With so much in the world today in a state of flux, limbo, abeyance, uncertainty, and escrow, we thought it apt to furnish you, the timorous and fearful masses, with a few words of certainty, if not comfort. To that end (and sparing no expense to the management), we have engaged the services of our acquaintance Professor Proteus and his sometime adversary and fellow techno-savant Science Boy (about whom more in the near future) to retrofit CyberSparky with a prototype of something called ‘The Predict-o-Tron Module’. As a test run, we fed the newly upgraded CyberSparky a series of questions concerning events in the year to some. Here is a sampling of the more plausible results:

   We’ll start with an easy one…

-For the first time in four years, days in February will not fall on the same day of the week as days in March. Things will return to normal in 2013, when March 1^st will happen on a Friday, the same as February 1^st.

   Now that we’ve got that cheap success experience out of the way, on to the trickier ones. The one-half-billionth of the world’s population aware of current events in Canada can read the next two; the rest of you can skip ahead:

-Quebec City will get a new arena. The day before it is scheduled to open, a provincial board of inquiry will charge all those involved in securing the contract for the arena, and every construction firm involved in building it, with multiple counts of fraud and influence peddling. The arena will be converted into a minimum-security prison to house them all.

-Stephen Harper will start carrying ball bearings in his hand, clacking them around as he mutters incoherently about finding whoever stole his strawberries. Not even his wife and family will notice the least bit of difference in him.

   As a bonus (?) for those of you who haven’t moved on to what will happen to more significant parts of the global family, click on the azure-hued link which follows to hear something about one of the pivotal years in Canadian history.

   The rest of CyberSparky’s prognostications are grouped by category:

WORLD AFFAIRS

-Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy will jump in a Ford Model A sedan together and go on a rampage of machine-gunning mayhem around Europe, telling anyone who isn’t too busy ducking bullets, “We’re Bonnie and Clyde. We ruin banks.”

-In a related development, the EU will put Russell Brand in charge of its economic policy, secure in the knowledge that it couldn’t make things any worse.

-In an attempt to re-connect with disillusioned voters in the 18-to-30 age bracket, a third party will draft Super Mario as a presidential candidate.

Mario will immediately face severe press scrutiny over the issue of whether or not his U.S. citizenship is valid. Even more severe charges of nepotism will follow, when his brother Luigi is named as the candidate for Vice-President.

However, Super Mario’s promise to distribute coins with magical powers will resonate with the electorate, and will be adopted by congressional and senatorial candidates for both the Republican and Democratic parties.

SPORTS

-In an effort to increase the medal count of host country Great Britain, the International Olympic Committee will declare gurning, skiving, and whinging official demonstration sports.

(The man(?) pictured above will carry the Olympic torch into the stadium during the opening ceremonies.)

ENTERTAINMENT

-Charlie Sheen will try to start something called the “Occupy Charlie Sheen’s Bed” movement.

-To commemorate the 100^th anniversary of the Titanic disaster, Céline Dion will officially be declared as having sunk without a trace.

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY

-Geneticists will find a way of fusing Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Gwen Stefani, Christina Aguilera, and Fergie into a single living being. The creation will be called “Bat-Sh**-Crazy Woman” and will live forever, freeing the world from having to care about when the next version of this same tired old act is going to come along.

-During researches into the Higgs boson, a lab assistant will spill coffee on a control panel, causing a miniature Big Bang in the Hadron supercollider. This will be taken as conclusive proof that the entire Universe is really just one big accident after all.

   As you can see, there are still one or two bugs to be worked out in CyberSparky’s programming. However, the way things are going, it wouldn’t surprise any of us at Fun Central if these were some the least strange things to come to pass in the next 366 days. With any luck, we’ll have every one of those days to find out if the Mayans were right after all.

   Right then, all of you—back to more important things…like tweeting to your friends about the most ridiculous-looking floats in the Rose Bowl parade.

Uncle Fun