Would two hearts that beat as one need a double bypass?

Hello, young lovers, whenever you are:

While Mister Kuzzents iz othurwize occupied goin’ at th’ 20-cubick-foot ice dam whut iz blockin’ th’ back entruntz ta th’ laundry room’a his buildin’ with a ball peen hammer, I thot I’d carp a dime (which iz whut Uncle Fun sez iz Latin fer “seize th’ day”) an’ share with alla ya this hand-draw’d, vecktur-gennuratud Valuntime pickchoor what I helpted him make fer Missez Kuzzents (he held th’ mouse whilst me an’ three’a my friends mov’d th’pad). Sints this iz Valuntime’s Day an’ all t’day, I figgered it wuz my reposnsibillitty as one half of a committed relashinship (Moose, who I’m in th’ relashinship with, offen sez I otta be committed) ta give alla you lovelorns out there th’ benefit of our knollidg ‘bout whut makes fer th’ best kinda romantic happytude. So, here ‘tis, an' don’ say I dint warn ya. Once again, Moose tooked diktashun so’s th’ spellin’ an’ grammur’d be more like th’ offishully licensed kind (i.e., not so creative nor interestin’).

(Here I go again, folks. Like a couple going out for dinner on Valentine’s Day, I have definite reservations—Moose.)

Anywhere you find the spirit of romance, the spirit of adventure can’t be far away. A great way to experience the kind of adventure that only true love brings is to surprise your true love with a day pass for two on a bobsled run.

(Yes, because nothing says “I love you” better than sharing your last moments together hurtling at 150 miles an hour down a twisty-turny slippery icy Mobius strip of death.)

Love flourishes best when surrounded by an air of mystery. To put some mystery into this Valentine’s Day, why not give your sweetheart a box of chocolates, but take out the little legend that says which chocolate’s which?

(You do that again, and I’ll do to your incisors the same thing that rock-hard Brazil nut that I thought was a chewy caramel did to mine.)

Leave little notes around signed with secret romantic messages…things like “pick up dry cleaning”; “milk’s gone off before the ‘best before’ date again—need another quart”, that sort of thing. Sign them with secret romantic letters, like “XOXO”, “SWAK”, and “LMFAO”. The letters “NSFW” must be really, really romantic, the way people get all giggly and embarrassed whenever they’re mentioned.

(No, no, no, absolutely NOT. Wait…what’s that third one from the right? Set that one aside.)

In general, you can never go wrong with anything heart-shaped, or anything related to the heart. Last year, my Valentine’s present to Moose was an appointment for an echocardiogram.

(This one I AM grateful for. I found out I have a slight murmur due to a sticky aortic valve. Who knew?)

We gots lots more, but Moose sez rite now we hasta get all gussied up so’s we kin head out an’ trip th’ light fantastic, whatever that iz. Mebbe we’ll go dancin’ afterwurds. I’m kinda hopin’ we kin swing by th’ noo an’ improv’d impravized speekeezy at th’ Fortress’a Funitude. It’s “Lucky in Love” nite at th’ gamin’ tables, an’ Uncle Fun’s Number One Gal deals a mean hand’a baccarat…frum her own shoe, even.

Sparky

   I hate to disappoint you, Sparky, but the apple of my eye and I have other plans for the evening. The discretion befitting both a gentleman and a lady preclude me from elaborating any further. Let’s just say that playing cards are not likely to be involved.

Uncle Fun