Funsville has become too hot
for us. For once, I mean this in the literal and not the figurative sense. As
long as the heat was the product of prevailing meteorological conditions, and had
nothing to do with law enforcement, we decided to tough it out as best we
could.
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Eventually, though, our supply
of dry clothes and wet refreshments ran out, and it all became too much.
The Funmobile was packed and on the road for Parts Unknown and Cooler before
even the vaguest idea of our destination had begun to coalesce. Then, with the
speed of ominous yet comforting thunderheads during the most humid of the Dog
Days, a brainstorm blew in out of nowhere.
The national capital region of
Canada straddles a provincial border: the provincial holiday honouring the
patron saint of Quebec and the main national holiday for all of Canada are
exactly one week apart. This year, both fall on a Sunday; since everything
within a 50-mile radius of Ottawa is essentially a government town, this means
a statutory holiday for both on the following Monday. The prospect of
consecutive long weekends was just too good to pass up…so, a quick handbrake
turn and some ad hoc navigation later, we fetched up in our hostelry of choice
when visiting the area—The Cousins Family B&B&B (Bed & Breakfast
& Berating).
We were on the receiving end of
plenty of the third ‘B’ before we had even set our suitcases down. The
gentleman of the Cousins household let us know in no uncertain (and a great
many ungentlemanly) terms that our presence was far from well-timed or
propitious. My personal favourite of the many quotes that enlivened our
check-in experience was “two’s company, but six is a crowd—no—actually, it’s
TWO crowds.”
Fortunately, no good guest
arrives empty-handed (I try not to leave empty-handed, either), so we had a
peace offering prepared for our gracious and unsuspecting host (or is that “ungracious
and suspecting host”?). Along with a
selection of the finest products brewed in the sink of the utility room of the
Ash Can Club (the mildly disreputable nightspot I still have title to, against
my better judgement), we presented him with a list of suggestions for summer
long-weekend activities, compiled by the ever-nimble electronic brain of CyberSparky.
The utility sink brew proved to be the bigger hit, but that’s no reason why you
shouldn’t feast your eyes on all the things you could be doing, if you have the
next three days off:
- Now’s the
time to take the family on a cultural excursion they’ll never forget (and
possibly never forgive you for, either). This year, Upper Haven Township (not
too far from Funsville) celebrates the over-orchestrated glory of composer
Gustav Mahler with its biennial Mahlerama.
You haven’t lived until you’ve been followed around a 9 ¼ - mile nature trail
while being serenaded by a 110-member choir belting out Das Lied von der Erde in its entirety. (Don’t even think of outrunning
them—they’ve been specially selected for their proficiency and endurance by
completing a series of grueling triathlons while singing German art songs.)
- Forget
Disneyland, Disney World, and all those theme parks in Florida—take a road trip
to an amusement park that really needs your business…like Spackle Town, U.S.A.
(and its sister park, Grout City, “where caulking products come alive”), the
Historic Colonial Village of East Flushing, N.Y., or Six Flags Over The Oakland
Raiders’ Defensive Line (yeah, I don’t get that last one either, but I’m told
it’s a hit with people who have low expectations for football-related jokes).
- Go to a
strange town, put on hardhats, and spray-paint geometrical designs on
randomly-selected streets. If anybody asks you what you’re doing, mumble
something ambiguous about doing a geological survey for open-pit uranium strip
mining.
- Whatever
the summer function, be it a backyard barbecue, a pool party, a wedding
reception, or a family reunion, chances are it’s going to get bogged down in at
least one god-awful lull. Nothing gets the festivities rolling again faster
than firing macaroni salad from a trench mortar.
- Confuse
total strangers by asking them if they know what a “floy floy” is, and whether
it’s necessary for a floogie to have flat feet to possess one.
- Do anything
your heart desires involving pliers and a hand grenade.
- Make a list
of things to do on a long weekend, and post them in a blog.
On second thought, maybe Utility Sink Brew
offers more bang for your long weekend buck, after all.
Uncle Fun
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