If the child is the father of the man, which one gets breakfast in bed on Father’s Day?

Hiya, dads, kids and none-of-the-aboves:

With Father’s Day lurkin’ round th’ corner like a stick-up artist that hazzent made his quota of muggings fer th’ month, I thot I’d help all’a ya out there who happens ta be fathers, or at least happens ta have one. A father is sumpin’ of which I don’t got one of, unless ya count Uncle Fun, who don’t qualify on account’a th’ facks that: a) he’s a uncle, an’ b) he’s more er less my imaginary friend. Mister Kuzzents likewise sez he himselft shooden be kunsiddered in loco parentis, which I think means it’s his opinyon anyone’d be crazy ta admit they wuz my dad.

B’fore ya get all misty-eyed over whutcha purseev ta be my orfinned kundishun, I wanna stress that I have a fam’ly of sorts, in th’ form’a my very own personal-type brainchild, th’ newly-upgraded CyberSparky. Now that Perfessur Proteus has finish’d unfixin’ th’ improvements Science Boy made, which meant that CyberSparky didden work no more at all fer a while, my one an’ only robot double is in peak runnin’ order again.

As a test of his reesuntly re-efficiented effishuncy, I had CyberSparky run a legorithm ta come up with th’ most bestest ways ta sellabrate Father’s Day with yer dad if ya have one, an’ someone else’s if ya hafta. (A legorithm, by th’ way, is like a logarithm, ‘cept ya use li’l blocks ta work things out with.) Here’s whut came outta his printout chute:   

- Show your dad that you value both literacy and thrift by giving him a cut-rate subscription to a lesser-known magazine, like Unpopular Mechanics (this month’s cover story: Corrugated Sheet Metal: 175 Household Uses We Bet You Haven’t Tried Yet).

- Any activity that has the words “glow-in-the-dark” in its name is a sure-fire Father’s Day winner. Glow-in-the-dark bowling, glow-in-the-dark miniature golf, glow-in-the-dark jai alai, glow-in-the-dark bog snorkeling, glow-in-the-dark blindfolded pub crawl…you simply can’t go wrong. If your father’s of a more sedentary disposition, even something as sedate as glow-in-the-dark forensic accounting has its attractions. (For one thing, it makes it easier to spot glaring errors. Get it? …“glaring errors”…“glow-in-the-dark”…? Okay, maybe don’t bother with that last one.)   

- Does your dad have lumbago or sciatica? Why not get him some?

- Better still, get him a membership in a tontine (if you don’t know what this is, look it up. It’s a gift that keeps on giving).

- If you don’t want to go that far, at least get him to make a bucket list (that is, a list of people he hopes kick the bucket before he does). If you find yourself on it, you’ll be saving a lot of money on Father’s Day gifts in the years to come.

- Sick of getting your dad ties, or is he sick of getting them? We have four words for you: moulded fibreglass zoot suit.

- If your dad’s a sports fan, ask him who the worst player in his favourite sport was when he was growing up. Then, get your dad a life-size cardboard cutout of that player, to give him that warm glow of reassurance that comes with the knowledge that even the top of every profession has its share of people who suck out loud at what they do. (If he’s not into sports, you can substitute a cardboard cutout of the head of any given brokerage firm or investment bank.)

- You could do worse than to give your dad an audiobook of the collected writings of Friedrich Nietzsche, as read by Howard Stern. We don’t know how, but there must be some way you could.

- Dads love barbecues, and dads love cars. Why not barbecue a car?

- Let your dad know how much you appreciate him by singing the Neil Young song “Old Man (look at my life)” at the top of your lungs from dawn to dusk, accompanied on whatever comes to hand.

Yeah, I dunno about a lotta these ones, either. There mus’ still be some residuywall bugs an whatnot in th’ system frum Science Boy’s not-so-handiwork. Still, as they say, it’s close enuf fer jazz. Do they still say that? Aw, who cares—Happy Father’s Day, anyhow.

Sparky