Uncle Fun and Sparky Land

Howdy, p’litickull junkies:

Here’s a great big heapin’ load’a p’litickull junk fer ya ta sift thru. Ordinarully, I ain’t one fer keepin’ track’a who’s in charge’a what where nohow, unless they’ve tabbed someone ta shadow me, but I bin put wise by Uncle Fun ta th’ big convenshun’ th’ Republickun Party iz havin’ down there in Tampax Bay. Okay, first point — where duz anyone get off callin’ anythin’ a “convenshun” when there ain’t no-one nowhere there wearin’ any fezzes?

Uncle Fun tells me th’ Demmacrats iz gonna do th’ selfsame fezzless thing next week, an’ ruin Labour Day in th’ process. Shame on all of ‘em, I say.

Now, I know a lotta people gots their problems with Republickuns…most of ‘em these days seem ta be Rebublickuns themselves. But that’s b’side th’ point. What crabs me most ‘bout this whole bunch iz th’ way they’re wastin’ one’a th’ coolest nicknames ever on a great big sack’a dullness.

Honestly — does Captain Boredom here look like he even otta havva nickname, much less a cool one like “Mitt”?

 Mitt’s th’ kinda name ya wanna see hung on a real cullerful characktur — like some Gas House Gang ballplayer frum th’ 1930s who played in a dozen er so differnt leagues an’ got banned frum baseball fer hangin’ round with a chorus girl who ran a numbers racket.

 

He’d be a backup catcher — mebbe playin’ in a platoon with some other catcher with a cullerful nickname, like Bubbles Hargrave…

…er even Bubbles Hargrave’s brother, Pinky Hargrave.

Uncle Fun sez that such a dull guy usin’ such a cool nickname iz prolly some form’a psychalogickull overcompensahun fer a deep-seated infeeriority complex.

But then, pollatishuns wood hafta be inseckure, wooden they? I mean, where else do ya get a job only after a whole mess’a people who don’t know nothin’ ‘bout whut th’ job’s all about take a vote on it?

B’sides th’ obvious, that is. That’s how they keep th’ criminally inseckure away frum th’ gen’rell populashun up in Canada, at any rate — they give ‘em publickly-funded air time.

(«« SPESHULL BONUS «« Ta show ya how much too cool fer th’ C. B. of C. we are, click on these here now blue letters ta hear a show of Uncle Fun’s an’ mine’s what never even gotta nibble frum th’ brain (?) trust at Canada’s Friendly Governmint Broadcaster.)

As fer th’ U. S. of A., mebbe th’ solushun iz ta give th’ job’a prezdunt ta th’ most inseckure person in th’ country.

Then they could give convenshuns back ta their ritefull owners — Shriners, trav’ling salesmen, and weirdos wearin’ Spock ears. 

Sparky