Uncle Fun and Sparky Land

In case ya wuz wonderin’ howcum it’s been two whole weeks b’tween updates in this here blog now (an’ even if ya wasn’t, I’m gonna tell ya), Uncle Fun has been off an' away at th’ Vatickun. Whut with a vacancy fer Pope bein’ vacant an’ all, he saw a opportunity ta do sumpin’ he called “passin’ th’ collection plate among the faithful” in St. Peter’s Basilica. (I allus thot a basilica wuz one’a them li’l bags fulla granular stuff that they put in pill bottles an’ suchlike ta keep ‘em dry, but it turns out I wuz wrong.)

He’s also bin hangin’ round th’ papull confab puttin’ in a good word among th’ cardinals (who I thot wuz in Florida at spring trainin’, but it turns out I wuz wrong there, too) on b’half of a friend of ours. This dint work out too good fer our side, apparently — nor did Uncle’s Fun’s bid ta sell th’ namin’ rights fer th’ next pope, which iz too bad, ‘cuz “Pope Dot Org” hazza modern up-ta-date Infurmashun Age-y ring to it, an’ even tho’ registerin’ th’ intelleckchweal property rights on classic papal names like “Athanasius”, “Innocent”, “Eutychius”, an’ “Hormisdas” cost zero dollars, zero cents in totull, they also yielded a big fat goose egg fulla empty frum th’ boys in th’ pointy hats in th’ Sixteen Chapull. That pack’a killjoys dint even bite on the perenniyul favert “Sylvester”.

So whut did they choose fer th’ new pope’s name? Whut else? Francis. Never mind all that “where wuz you durin’ The Dirty War in Argentina, Jorge?” stuff — that there handle they pick’d out fer him iz one heckuva bang-up choice azza nom de pope fer a Cath’lick Church that’s got problems wit’ its image. Gee whilkers, itza good thing they dint pick sumpin’ that wood invite ridicyule…like, fer exampull, a name associated in th’ entiyure English speakin’ world with sumpin’ completely loodicrus — oh, I dunno, say…sumpin’ along th’ lines of a talkin’ mule comes ta mind here somehow. Here’s th’ leader of a billion er so card-carryin’ rosary owners in th’ Vatickun stables, with his close friend an’ persunnal advisor, Cardinal Donald O’Connor.

I wuz disappointed they dint even cunsidder my two persunnal faverts. There hazzunt bin a Pope Urban in a good long while, so I thot they otta get that name back inta th’ mix, an at least have th’ first Pope Suburban.

I’da even have settled fer a Pope Rural.

Anyway, back ta th’ post-mortem on our candidate fer pope whut wazn’t.

Our pal, th’ musician, advenchoorer an’ obscure-musickull-instrumint-trapper Alex Eddington (pickhoored above on safari) has a buncha qualifickashuns that wooda made him a exsellunt choice ta drag Catholcissism kickin’ an screamin’ inta th’ twenty-first cenchoory, er at least nudge it gently in th’ gen’rull direckshun’ a th’ nineteenth. He’s married, so in one fell swoop, it’s goodbye ta th’ whole “sellibassy a’ th clergy” d’bate. Also, he’s not Cath’lick, so he comes free of all that baggage that th’ restuv th’ Holy Mother Church is encumberated with — things like guilt…an’ havin’ stuff ta be guilty about, an’ so forth. Sometimes a orginizashun’s gotta recroot frum outside ta get a fresh start, y’know.

Anyways, Uncle Fun sez that Pope Alex’s lack’a bein’ Cath’lick an’ whatnot wooden’a necessarily bin a impediment ta his settin’ sail on th’ See of Rome. (That’s his joke, folks, not mine — cast th’ first stone, er whatever it is yer s’posed not ta do, in his genrull dirckshun.) One’a th’ things that Unk’s bin doin’ while at th’ Vatickun is peddlin’ holy relicks attribyootid (by him, anyway) ta th’ first Jewish pope, Harpo I…

…who briefly subbed in fer Pius XII during The Great Schism of 1948, which wuz about whether Leo Durocher otta be excammunicatud fer signin’ up ta manage th’ New York Giants after he manag’d th’ Brooklyn Dodgers. Th’ thinkin’ b’hind this at th’ time wuz that it wuz better ta have a pope that said nuthin’ than a pope that said th’ wrong thing. Th’ originull issue seems triviyull enuf ta us modern-day sofistickates, but it evenchewally led ta a breakaway fackshun namin’ their own rival pontiff — Auntie Pope Jonathan Winters I.

Uncle Fun sez this issue is tray au courant (whatever that means), on ackount’a wimmin wantin’ more rights as Cath’licks instead’a just more Cath’lick rites.

Persunally, I think it’s kinduva drag.

Drag…?

Get it…?

Aw, who needs ya, anyway?

Sparky