Uncle Fun and Sparky Land

     This is the first day of spring, so as usual, all of us in Funsville are digging out from the biggest blizzard since the first day of spring last year. Pressed for time, we’ve once again turned this space over to our friend Frank the Alligator, who’s begged off shovelling snow on account of what he claims is a bad back. I'd claim his front isn’t anything to write home about, either.

     Try not to take anything Frank says too personally—what he lacks in tact, he more than makes up for in rudeness.

Uncle Fun

Thanks for the big buildup. Count on getting your Tom Collinses made with Fresca until further notice.

That comment should’ve clued all you Sherlocks out there into the fact that I work as a bartender. The palpable intellectual understimulation involved in my profession means I’m on the internet a lot.

If you stay on the internet long enough, you’ll realize that it’s a giant landfill of toxic nonsense. Check out this dump truck full of stupid that pulled up to a buddy of mine’s Facebook page last week:

Um…actually, every time I spend money, I’m reminded that I wasn’t GIVEN a vote to cast. You weren’t, either. Hands up, everyone who WOULDN’T vote for a world where you got everything you wanted for free.

Yeah…didn’t think so.

You might want to ask the people of Cyprus about that one too. Sounds like a bunch of inept bankers and politicians tried to proxy a vote for a world where ordinary people take a 10% hit out of their pocketbooks to make up for the ineptitude of bankers and politicians.

In case you were curious (and who would be?), the fridge light of a brain behind the inspirational quote is taking up space in some dim forgotten corner of the head of a graduate of Brown and Columbia. Guess the world her rich mommy and daddy voted for is one where 10-watt dimbulbs with rich mommies and daddies get the kind of expensive and prestigious Ivy League educations that make the rest of us ignorant plebes have to pay attention to any old drivel that oozes out of their mouths.

Because I hate to see dumb animals suffer, I’m lighting a candle and saying a prayer on behalf of actual small-l liberals everywhere that people like Spending-Money-Is-Like-Voting Girl stop appropriating liberalism for themselves and just shut the hell up. Until they do, they’re going to keep making the case for reactionary politics far better than the Rush Limbaughs of this world ever could. “Mom and Apple Pie” comes in a variety of flavours…but they all taste like manure. How much more discerning are you for eating a great big slice of donkey manure à la mode, instead of elephant manure?

Speaking of donkeys and elephants (and if you haven’t figured out what those critters stand for by now, look it up—you’re already on the internet, for Pete’s sake), anyone with two bits’ worth of gray matter to rub together ought to know when spending money equals voting.

It usually happens during elections. I have friends from Canada who haven’t stopped bending my ear on that subject since their last election.

Anyway, the kind of world I want is one where I’ve got better things to waste my time on than this, so goodbye already. That’s for free, too.

Oh yeah—might as well chuck in a free “happy first day of spring” at no extra charge. There’s a six-foot snowdrift outside my front door, so it’s not like I’m going anywhere for a while.

     (Don’t let him fool you…he’d already planned to spend the rest of the day looking at lolcats. —Uncle Fun)

(Aw, bite me, you pumpkin-headed blabbermouth. –Frank)