Uncle Fun and Sparky Land

 



     Sparky’s birthday isn’t the 13th of any month--as far as we know, anyway...but little Moosie can be excused for thinking that any day spent with Sparky has a little Friday the 13th to it.

     So much for the preamble. Now, for the introduction...yet again. You remember me--Milady Madeira M’Dear (that’s me, pictured centre), past master of magic and past mistress of...well, never you mind. Let’s move on.

     This is my regular Friday the 13th gig, where I give you a handful of hints, tips, notions and whatnots to ward off the expected evils of the day. This time around, I’m answering a special request...and for a change, one that I can answer in mixed company, and in front of people’s parents. Speaking of which, the extended family of The Cousins Gentleman is chock full of relations with birthdays on the 13th. Every once upon a year, one or other of these birthdays will fall on a Friday, which brings a special set of challenges for everyone. Besides the obvious precautions you need to take with the party--such as keeping the balloons from spontaneously combusting or causing the house wiring to short out when you rub them on your head and stick them to the ceiling--there’s the age-old question “what do you get for the person who has everything, including a birthday with its own built-in hot-and-cold-running bad luck?”

     Here’s where I ride to the rescue on my magic broom. During my career of warding off curses, maledictions, jinxes, hexes and hoodoos, I’ve come up with a few anti-whammy devices that work as excellent gift ideas for all the Friday the Thirteeners in your life. Here’s a selection of my top sellers:

-An unbreakable mirror made of highly polished vulcanized rubber. You’ll have no worries about seven years’ bad luck, but they do have a habit of bouncing and rolling under furniture when you drop them. (Warning: the manufacturer’s warranty doesn’t cover head injuries sustained from standing up too fast after retrieving one of these from under a table.)

-Genuine imitation rabbits’ feet made from four-leaf clovers.

-Four-leaf clovers made from genuine imitation rabbits’ feet.

-A coupon entitling you to break someone else’s mother’s back when you step on a crack. (Some forms of bad luck can’t be avoided, but there’s no reason you can’t pass them on to someone you’re less fond of...assuming you’re fond of your mother, of course.)

-A custom-made voodoo doll of yourself. Use it on Friday the 13th, and it works in reverse. Keep it well away from pins and other sharp objects every other day of the year, though.

-An autographed picture of John Kerry. (It doesn’t get rid of bad luck, but you can hang it in a prominent place, as a reminder that there’s at least one person with a better knack than you of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Rumour has it Hillary Clinton has one in every room of her house.)

-A horseshoe made from seven kinds of delicious imported cheese. There’s no actual luck in this one, either, but sometimes comfort food is better than nothing when things aren’t going your way. (If you’re lactose intolerant, I can make one out of assorted deli meats.)

      Well, that’s about as much space as I feel like using up on this claptrap. It’s time I got back to my day job. For starters, Miley Cyrus wants me to undo the spell that’s turned her into a hapless publicity-hungry flash in the pan. Genetics probably has more to do with that than magic, but her money’s as good as anybody else’s. Then, I’ve got my usual backlog of Halloween orders to deal with. This year, a lot of folks in Canada are asking me to do something about--or to--the Conservative Party. I may be out of my league against the darker forces that gang has made their deals with, but it’s worth a try.

Milady M. M’Dear