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And with that questionable quip, lo and
behold, here it is, almost Halloween again. As usual, the excitement here in
Funsville is practically palpable. Or it would be, if Civic Ordinance 27C—the infamous
Act to Ban the Public Palpation of Excitement and Other Emotional States—had ever
been repealed. (The prudery of the High Victorian Era still casts a long shadow
over us all, folks.)
So, why are you hearing this from me,
instead of our resident expert on all things Halloweeny? Well, ordinarily,
Milady Madeira M’Dear would take care of this detail, but she’s on
special assignment this year. She and two of her witchy friends are scheduled
to meet up with some penny-ante ward-heeler named Harper, to tell him that no
harm shall befall him ‘til Birnam Wood do come to Dunsinane, or whatever other
shell game gets him to march blithely on to doom and suchlike.
Anyway, they pulled my name out of the old
jack-o’-lantern, so I’ve drawn the awesome responsibility of outfitting you
with clever costume ideas, suitable for trick-or-treating and whatever other
activities you and your peers deem appropriate for All Hallows’ Eve.
In these cost-conscious times (there have
been other kinds of times recently? or ever?), I thought it apt and prudent to
lay before your waiting eyes something I call Five Costumes for Under Five
Dollars Apiece. I call them that because, well, that’s what they are, and
because I was told I’d been given the honour of writing this thing about five
minutes ago. (Short notice is the royal road to truth in titling…if not always to
creativity.) Sparky’s well-intentioned but clichéd suggestion of toilet paper
mummies didn’t make the cut, but you’re free to try it, if you don’t mind being
accused of having a singular lack of imagination.
With
that in mind (will you get that toilet paper off me, Sparky? I’m trying to
type), here are the Famous Five for Under Five (costumes and dollars
respectively, that is):
-Put on
whatever you’d ordinarily wear and say you’re dressed as Doctor Who. When
people ask which one, tell them, “the one two actors from now.”
-Using the
same costume, you can also say that you’re Edward Snowden or Julian Assange
after plastic surgery and a witness protection program.
-If that
doesn’t work, just say it’s Miley Cyrus’ new look. If we wait long enough,
there’s every chance it will be.
-Get a child’s
dress shirt from a thrift store, stick it on a wire hanger, and tell everyone you’re
a guy who’s about to sue his drycleaner.
-Why ruin a perfectly
good bedsheet by cutting eyeholes in it for a ghost costume? A magic marker,
some cardboard, and a length of twine work just as well.
When it comes to ghosts, people believe
whatever they want to, anyway. That’s five low-cost costume notions without
breaking a sweat, but here’s a bonus idea, in a similar vein to the last one:
-Sheets of store-brand
business card stock are pretty cheap—especially if you can borrow them from a
friend. Borrow a friend’s printer as well, and you can have a splendid custom-made-for-Halloween
identity that won’t set you back one red cent.
Halloween’s not on a full moon this year,
so you don’t even have to let your hair grow for this one.
And
with that, I must be going. I heard Sparky muttering something about trying a
Satchel Paige costume on me, and here he is now carrying a valise and a sheet
of foolscap, so that’s my cue to take to my heels. As Satchel Paige himself
might say, I’m not going to look back—something might be gaining on me. In this
case, I know exactly what it is, and I’m determined to give him a moving
target.
Uncle Fun
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