I think it’s safe to hazard a guess that, regardless of the outcome at The Old Brickyard this Sunday, our Miss Moose will not be sharing a bottle of milk on the podium with Sparky. In the interest of keeping the streets safe until Tuesday at least (and probably the sidewalks and the lobbies of public buildings as well), I have allowed Sparky to share his thoughts about the Memorial Day weekend with the world at large. I preface his remarks by saying that this is all very much against my better judgement.
Uncle Fun
Memorial Day
By Sparky (me)
Memorial Day is held the last Monday in May, or th’ first Monday goin’ backwards frum June, whichever comes first. It wuz invented by Abraham Lincoln during th’ Gettysburg Address…
…an’ perfected by Thomas Edison in his laburtory in Menlo Park, New Jersey.
It comemerates th’ contrabyooshuns made to America by Memorial Stadium, which wuz th’ home’a th’ Baltimore Orioles when they wuz good, an’ not crappy like they iz now.
One’a th’ famous things that happens on Memorial Day Weekend iz th’ Indianapolis 500, which is a car race for racing cars, an’ iz held ta celebrate th’ years when th’ Colts of th’ NFL won at least half their games.
Th’ Colts usedta play at Memorial Stadium in Baltimore, but found th’ commute frum Indianapolis too far, so they got George Lucas ta invent Lucas Oil stadium fer them outta edible oil products at his Industrial Light and Magic laburtory in Menlo Park, New Jersey.
This wuz back when th’ Colts had th’ first famous woman football player, Donna Meechee.
While she wuz workin’ her way thru collidge by inventin’ th’ telephone at her laburtory on th’ back lot of Warner Brothers (moved from Menlo Park, New Jersey)…
…she also won the Highest Man trophy, which iz givun annuyally to th’ winner of th’ collidge football player flagpole-sittin’ champeenship. When she retieyured, th’ Colts found their long-distunce bills got too big, so that wuz another reason they moved.
Once again, I apologize for Sparky’s complete and utter disregard of his lack of knowledge of history. I also apologize to any veterans, patriots, or other members of the human race who may have been offended by my wayward protégé’s misrepresentation of the actual and solemn meaning of Memorial Day. I will try my utmost to keep him from posting anything on Veterans’ Day.
Some further points of clarification:
I think the Baltimore Colts player Sparky is referring to is Alan Ameche, and not his cousin, Don Ameche, who portrayed Alexander Graham Bell on film, but otherwise has nothing to do with the telephone (other than, presumably, owning and using them).
I’d assume the ‘Highest Man Trophy’ is the Heisman Trophy, but I know better than to make assumptions when dealing with A: anything Sparky passes off as unvarnished truth; and B: college students.
The Indianapolis 500 has little to do directly with the Indianapolis Colts (although I’m sure some representatives of the team will be in attendance). It’s celebrating its 100th anniversary this year. I’d say it’s come a long way since the days of Barney Oldfield and Eddie Rickenbacker, but of course, it hasn’t. It keeps going around and around in the same place. (Feel free not to laugh at that one, virtual friends. Auto racing humour is a bit of an acquired taste.)
Continuing with the subject of Indianapolis, something those of you who live in the vicinity of the Indiana capital (or are planning to be there) might want to look into toward the end of August is a show our friend Cousins is bringing to the IndyFringe Festival. Here’s a little advance blurb to whet your appetite:
What do the plays of William Shakespeare, The Gettysburg Address, Woodstock, and that argument the couple next to you in the restaurant always seems to be in the middle of have in common? Well, nothing really—except that someone was there to see them…and that someone is you—THE AUDIENCE. Since the dawn of time, audiences have been bringing a little something extra to performances of all kinds…especially when they haven’t managed to slip past the box office without paying. Yet, no-one has thought of a way to help the audience be even better at whatever it is they do than they already are.
Until now, that is. Join eclectic comedian and Canadian radio footnote Rick Cousins as he drops a crash course called THE BEST AUDIENCE EVER at your feet. In less than an hour, you’ll learn all the tricks of the trade you’ll need to survive anything The Theatre of The Past, The Present and The Future cares to throw at you. With the help of the five-star director of The Last Straight Man In Theatre from the 2010 IndyFringe (and his five-star wife), Alison Cousins, Rick will take you on a whirlwind tour of everything you never thought you had to be told about what you’re actually doing when you shuffle in your seats, hoping that nobody hears you unwrapping another lozenge.
THE BEST AUDIENCE EVER opens at the IndyFringe festival this coming August. Watch for dates and times in the upcoming IndyFringe program, and at http://www.indyfringe.org/
(And as soon as you know, tell Rick—he doesn’t want to miss a show.)
One more thing you ought to know before we leave you to mentally digest all that information (and misinformation, courtesy of Sparky). If you scroll w-a-a-a-a-a-a-y down to the bottom of the page, you’ll find permanent links to some fine folks whose paths have crossed that of Our Man Cousins without any of them requiring too much time in professional counseling afterward. We’ll include fun and facts about one or other of them every now and then.
In the meantime, here’s a link to the IndyFringe festival, to bring you up to speed, as it were.
And so, in keeping with the theme of the day…ladies and gentlemen—start your search engines—!
Uncle Fun
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