I’ll open today’s remarks with a word of gratitude, followed by a word of apology. Thanks are in order to all of you who have been paying close attention to developments in this virtual space since its inception. That said, it appears I am not among that number. A sharp-eyed reader pointed out that, in my remarks concerning the late lamented non-end of the world, I originally gave the purported date for Kingdom Come as JUNE 21st of this year, and not May 21st. It seems that Harold Camping and I share at least one thing—if a flair for chronological inexactitude is something you could ever share with anybody else. You couldn’t have it at the same time as anybody else, that’s one thing for sure.
Having disposed of the mea culpas, a few words of exculpation are in order. I throw myself on the mercy of the Court of Public Opinion by simply, and humbly, saying this:
Sparky was around while I was writing.
Trying to maintain one’s full and unbroken concentration with Sparky in the vicinity is a challenge somewhat akin to playing ping-pong in a wind tunnel, while suspended upside down in a straightjacket and holding a slightly-undercooked flapjack in one’s teeth in place of a paddle…only closer to verging on the impossible. To give you an idea of what I was up against while composing our initial posting last weekend, I offer into evidence the following transcription of events as they transpired (it is fortunate indeed that the Cousins chap lives in a town full of members of the diplomatic corps who have abandoned lodgings with implanted audio surveillance equipment just waiting to be discovered by a lucky new tenant):
UNCLE FUN: [thinking out loud , while typing] “…I step on cracks with wild abandon, welcome black cats of all colours, and in general scoff at all things that bespeak a superstitious mindset. However, we thought it prudent—”
SPARKY: Uncle Fun—Uncle Fun—Uncle Fun—?
UNCLE FUN: Yes, yes, and yes. There’s only one of me, you know.
SPARKY: What wuz th’ name’a that ship?
UNCLE FUN: What ship?
SPARKY: That ship—you know, the one th’ Pilgurims sailed on…you know, when they sailed ta Plymouth Rock?
UNCLE FUN: You mean the Mayflower?
SPARKY: Yeh—that’s it—th’ Mayflower.
UNCLE FUN: [thinking out loud, while typing again] “…we thought it prudent to delay our debut in this space until after 6 PM—”
SPARKY: Uh…wuzzen there another ship?
UNCLE FUN: What?
SPARKY: You know—another ship…after th’ Mayflower. There wuz another ship fulla Pilgurims what followed th’ Mayflower right after it.
UNCLE FUN: Yes, I believe there was another… [back to composing] “…until after 6 PM on the—”
SPARKY: Th’ Juneflower…?
UNCLE FUN: --the what?
SPARKY: Th’ Juneflower. If th’ Mayflower came first, an’ another ship followed it, wooden it’a bin called—
UNCLE FUN: No, no—the ship you’re thinking of was called the Speedwell, if I remember correctly. And it never made the full voyage. It kept springing leaks.
SPARKY: Oh…thanks.
UNCLE FUN: Nothing a Google search or a collect call to the New York Public Library couldn’t have told you. [back to composing, again] “…until after 6 PM on the 21st of—”
SPARKY: Uncle Fun—?
UNCLE FUN: …yes…?
SPARKY: There’s a big bug bangin’ up against th’ screen window.
UNCLE FUN: Gracious me…is CNN aware of this? [back to composing, yet again] “…on the 21st of—”
SPARKY: Yabbut—
UNCLE FUN: Yes…but…WHAT…precisely…?
SPARKY: Well, whutzit called?
UNCLE FUN: What’s what called?
SPARKY: Th’ bug. Whutzit called?
UNCLE FUN: How should I know? Ask it for ID. If it only gives you its rank and serial number, call it ‘Rumplestiltskin’ or ‘Mr. Mxyzptlk’, for all I care.
SPARKY: No, no…it’s a type’a bug. It’s gotta name. What is it? S’named after a month…what izzit…a January bug…a Febuary bug…a March bug…
UNCLE FUN: [ever more impatient] A June bug. It’s called a ‘June bug’.
SPARKY: Thanks.
UNCLE FUN: Don’t mention it. [returns to composing once more] “…we thought it prudent to delay our debut in this space until after 6 PM on the 21st of—”
SPARKY: Uncle Fun—?
UNCLE FUN: What now…?
SPARKY: That lady from the TV.
[Nine seconds of silence ensue, culminated by Uncle Fun fixing Sparky with a steely gaze.]
UNCLE FUN: What lady from what TV? Be specific.
SPARKY: You know—th’one whut usedta be in all th’ads.
[Seven more seconds of silence.]
UNCLE FUN: I’m glad you narrowed it down.
SPARKY: You know, the ads fer th’ denture paste an’ th’ adult diaper pants. Whut wuz her name agin? It’s “Alison” sumpin,’ izzenit?
UNCLE FUN: June Allyson. ‘June Allyson’ is the woman you’re thinking of.
SPARKY: Right…wuzzen she in movies, too?
UNCLE FUN: That’s my understanding of her claim to fame outside the realm of geriatric periodontal prosthetic adhesives and incontinence aids, yes.
SPARKY: …wuz she ever in that chorus line whut wuz on TV…you know, way back—with Dean Martin maybe it wuz…whut wuz they called…the Liz Taylor Dancers—no—the Rod Taylor Dancers—the Chuck Taylor Dancers…(did they wear high-tops?)…
UNCLE FUN: The JUNE Taylor Dancers. And June Allyson wasn’t in the June Taylor Dancers, nor was she in ‘June Bride’, ‘June Moon’, ‘Henry and June’, or ‘Elvis and June: A Love Story’…and she wasn’t the first ‘Miss June’ in Playboy, the June Player of the Month in Major League Baseball, or Employee of the Month for June at ‘June and June’s June Emporium and June-Related Curio Shop’, at the corner of June Street and June Avenue in Juneville, South Carolina…or anything else featuring the word ‘June’ that you can think of. I don’t know what your fixation with the month of June is, but if you don’t clam up and let me finish what I’m writing, you may not be around to witness this year’s edition of it.
SPARKY: Oh…sorry. [a pause for thought] June not findin' I’m good comp’ny? Get it? “June not finding…”
UNCLE FUN: [sigh.] I wonder if our hosts the Cousinses have bought another bottle of antacids yet…
The defense rests. For all those who remain skeptical about the power of subliminal suggestion and other methods of brainwashing, Sparky is available to spend as much time at your humble abode as you can stand him for.
SPARKY: June never know whut might pop inta yer head, huh?
UNCLE FUN: [Argh.] Have you ever considered a career in advertising? BP is still looking for a leg-up in the public relations department.
(While I go lie down with a cold compress across my forehead, you can hear another example of what it’s like to deal with Sparky by clicking on the link below.)
Uncle Fun
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