As those of you who follow the world from
the safety and comfort of the internet will know, the presidential election
campaign has become less about issues and more about witless tweets and
Facebook posts by unemployed ex-Star Trek actors. (Much as I loathe working for
the sake of working, to you, George Takei and Wil Wheaton, I say—take a job
bagging groceries, even if you don’t need the money. You obviously have too
much time on your hands.)
Fortunately for the citizens of Funsville,
today gives them a chance to turn their attention away from politics, and
towards…well, politics.
Sounds confusing? It is—but I’ll explain.
October 20th is Charles Ives Day, an annual celebration of the life and work of
one of the foremost American avant-garde composers of the 20th Century. If the
name “Charles Ives” sends you on a wild Google chase, don’t feel uncultured. He’s
hardly had the benefit of extensive mass media publicity.
In addition to performances of Ives’ music
in gazebos, bus shelters, shoe shine stands, and other public places all over
Funsville, this mini-jubilee features a strong degree of political content. You
see, as well as being an accomplished tunesmith and a crackerjack insurance
salesman (but that’s another story), Charles Ives was something of an activist.
In 1920, he published a pamphlet outlining a constitutional amendment which
would allow U.S. citizens to enact legislation directly through annual
plebiscites. (This was back in the days before blogs, when you had to go out of
pocket to do things like this—take note of your good fortune, Messrs. Takei and
Wheaton.)
Ives’ dream of direct democracy was never
shared by Uncle Sam, but we here in Funsville have embraced it with a
vengeance. Every year on Charles Ives Day, we vote on a series of proposed new
laws, as chosen by the eldest of our town elders during the scavenger hunt at
Funsville’s annual Salute to Scrap Paper Festival. (This happens just after the
annual ticker-tape parade to honour Edward A. Calahan, the inventor of ticker
tape.)
In keeping with the musical theme of Charles
Ives Day, proposals must be arranged for piano and voice—preferably tenor or
contralto, although baritones of either gender are acceptable. Voting is based
not only on legislative merit, but on the creative use of tone clusters,
polyrhythm and riffs borrowed from Stephen Foster songs like “Camptown Races”.
Among this year’s most promising ideas are the following:
-An amendment
to the Keep Our Dogs Clean Act, increasing the number of public flea baths in
the downtown core from five to seven.
-A rider on
Paragraph 3, Subsection A of Civic Ordinance 11 for the Control of Unnecessary
Slapstick, reducing the fine for carrying a custard pie within 15 feet of an
open banana peel.
-A new
Standing Order to empanel a permanent Ways and Means Committee to study the
ramifications of replacing the stripes on barber poles with paisley patterns.
-A broadening
of the powers of the Office of Fish Counsellors, allowing them wider latitude
to intervene in and mediate disputes concerning mollusks and smaller
cephalopods (including, but not limited to, squid, octopi, and some varieties
of cuttlefish, but with the exception of most species of nautilus).
-An extension
to the license granted by the Bureau of Events and Happenings to the Society
for Hurling Abuse at Passers-by, reinstating the right of their twice-yearly
March of the Unprovoked Hecklers to pass in front of ladies’ hair salons and
beauty parlours during business hours.
As you can see, this year brings us an
embarrassment of choices (you can interpret that phrase any way you wish). I’d
better hurry down to the Funsville Philharmonic Hall and Jai-Alai Fronton, and
get a good seat. The voting is by show of hands, and I want to be there early
enough to mark the cards so I can get at least an inside straight to draw to.
No, don’t try to figure out that last
remark. Really, though—isn’t all voting a form of legalized gambling,
when you think about it?
Uncle Fun
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