Uncle Fun and Sparky Land

 

Greetin’s, Canadian peoples, an’ all us other enemies’a Canada,

If you’re readin’ this, yer prolly still one’a th’ lucky Canucks who hazzunt yet bin tabbed azza subversive. Then agin, mebbe ya have, an’ it’s just that no-one kin keep up wit’ all th’ names that keeps gettin’ added ta th’ list. I know, whut with one thing an’ another goin’ on, that this ain’t bin th’ greatest time ever in th’ hist’ry of ever ta be Canadian. So, I thot I’d pass along my symputhees an’ condoluntses. (Uncle Fun sez that a word’a symputhee frum me wood be enuf ta turn Mother Teresa inta a foam-mouth’d axe murderer, but who ask’d him, anyhow?)

So on wit’ th’ pity party, fellow enemies. Fer starters, if only ta add insult ta injury (er whatever it adds ta whatever else it adds ta), you folks in Canada have done did gone an’ lost one’a yer few r’mainin’ real-live artists wit’ th’ death’a th’ last’a th’ red-hot hyper-realists, Alex Colville.

 

 

This is one funeral I gotta crash…jus’ ta see if anybuddy’s got th’ sense’a gallows humour — an’ th’ guts — ta take a peek inta th’ casket an’ say, “he looks so lifelike”.

Speakin’a things that looks amazingly like other things, but ain’t fer real, well, there’s Stephen Harper. Ain’t nobody ever gonna accuse him’a bein’ lifelike er nuthin’, but more an’ more he’s got people thinkin’ he’s like what Alex Colville wooda come up with if he’d’a bin asked ta paint a portrait’a Ol’ Tricky Dick Nixon.

Enemies lists an’ overall paranoid schizofreeniya aside, Harper only resembulls Nixon as much as he resembulls any other flesh-an'-blood human bein’, which is ta say not much, an’ only in a “who let th’ drunk guy work at Madame Tussaud’s?” kinda way. If Harper did go ta school on Nixon, he musta miss’d th’ parts’a th’ course ‘bout brokerin’ a lastin’ nuckleeur peace b’tween superpowers an’ establishin’ a friendly but non suck-uppy r’lashunship wit’ China. Guess he only show’d up fer th’ leckchoors on Checkers an’ Th’ Night’a th’ Long Knives.

Fer a guy who likes ta do impreshuns’a other leaders, Harper just ain’t up ta th’ job when it comes ta doin’ Signin’–SALT-wit’-Brezhnev Nixon er Meetin-Chairman-Mao Nixon. Havin’-Three-Diffrunt-Attorney-Genrulls-in-a-Single-Day-B’fore-Findin’-One-Willin’-ta-Lie-fer-Him Nixon er Getting-Goons-ta-Break-inta-th’-Office-of-a-Opponent-Who’d-Already-All-But-Lost-th’-Eleckshun Nixon seem ta be more his speed. Still, that’s his style, an’ he’s entitled to it, I guess, no matter how creepily feckless an’ destrucktive it is. Style er no style, tho’, I can’t help thinkin’ it ain’t so close ta Nixon as it is ta Cap’n Queeg.

 

Er mebbe it’s even closer ta another fickshunall military man…Colonel Flagg frum M*A*S*H. Google th’ name — watch ol’ episodes on DVD er YouTube — as Uncle Fun might say, I think you’ll agree with me that herein lies a kindred spirit.

 

 

Any way ya look at it, all’s I know is this: there’s only twenny-four hours inna day, an’ ya kin either spend ‘em havin’ yer flunkies make a list’a enemies fer yer new cab’net ministers er havin’ ‘em look at th’ list’a th’ friends yer new cab’net ministers has already got…if only ta see how many of ‘em might have a new reason fer handin’ out and/or ackceptin’ bribes. An’ if that crack lands me on th’ Harper Enemies List — well, tell me sumpin’ I ain’t figured has happened long ago.

That’s my two cents worth, Fellow Enemies (er mebbe it’s a full nickel’s worth, since Harper’s fingered th’ penny as a threat ta nashnul seckurity, an’ eliminated it). See ya all at th’ mass show trial…or th’ mutiny, whichever comes first.

Sparky