Uncle Fun and Sparky Land

 

 

Give Mary a rest, ye gentlemen (or however that goes), I’m here.

Yes, back by popular demand if not utter necessity, it’s me, Milady Madeira M’Dear, brewer of potions and thinker of notions (and applier of lotions, but only by special request). We’ve got us another Friday the Thirteenth, and this one’s just before Christmas, so I’m on duty again, as this space’s provider of aid and succour to the superstitious (and when it comes to superstition, there’s a succour born every minute).

Anyway, you can all uncross your fingers, leave your four-leaf-clovers in the old safety deposit box, and put the horseshoes back on the horse. When it comes to Christmas (and Christmas is coming, after all), thirteen is a very lucky number. Today, December 13th, means that there are thirteen days, counting today, until Christmas, counting Christmas (and who doesn’t count Christmas?). And, don’t forget -- there are only twelve days of Christmas, not thirteen. That’s plenty lucky. If you had a house full of swans a-swimming, geese a-laying, pipers piping, drummers drumming, lords a-leaping, partridges in pear trees, and whatnot, the last thing you’d want to see on Day 13 would be another delivery van pulling up to your door.

But wait -- there's more. There are thirteen notes in the first three lines of “Good King Wenceslas” (well, the first verse, anyway -- that's all I know), and thirteen notes in the first and third lines of each verse of “Away in a Manger”. And I’ll bet you there were only thirteen rooms at that inn with the manger (you know the one), and that it was the thirteenth inn that Mary and Joseph stopped at. Even if it wasn’t, it should have been. And that’s the true meaning of Christmas, now isn’t it?  

With all that in mind, since there’s a few shopping days left (thirteen, counting yesterday, which doesn’t count anymore), I thought I’d give you all some holiday gift ideas involving that lucky Christmas number, 13:

-         A baker’s dozen donuts. Heck, a baker’s dozen of anything that bakers make. Seriously, who sells things in baker’s dozens anymore? Cheapskates...as if we needed any more proof that we’re in a recession.

-         A deck of cards with all thirteen hearts marked, for playing hearts with. This is especially useful if you play hearts for money. (I was Rookie of the Year on the international celebrity pro-am hearts tournament circuit before anyone got wise.)

-         The Marx Brothers made thirteen movies, so a DVD of any one of those’ll do you good. Okay, maybe not so much any of the ones they made after A Night at the Opera. Well, the first half of A Day at the Races isn’t bad, I guess. And their first one --The Cocoanuts -- kind of drags in places, too. So maybe there’s only really five Marx Brothers movies you’d want to get as a gift. Five out of thirteen is a heck of a good average for comedy. You try being funny thirteen times and see if you get five good laughs.

-         Some Louis XIII furniture would be nice to give someone (like me)...if you can afford to give it. If you can’t, just pick up any old wooden chair at a garage sale or a St. Vincent de Paul store or wherever, and scratch “Louis XIII was here” on it. It’s the thought that counts, you know.

-         If you’re a New York Yankees fan, the best gift you could get would be somebody other than Alex Rodriguez inside the number 13 jersey next season. If you’re a fan of any team that plays against the Yankees...well, the opposite of that.

-         A great gift for everyone in Canada would be 13 Conservative MPs pulling a no-show for a confidence vote (especially if it involves a motion of censure or, better yet, a bill of impeachment).

So, don’t get all hung up on thirteens -- like everything else about luck, numbers are what you make of them. Remember, lucky old number 7 is really a 13, as far as base 4 is concerned. The best thing you can do for yourself this Friday, December the 13th is to enjoy a couple of base 4 thirteens -- or, as it’s usually called, a seven and seven. Get right into the spirit of the day (you bet that was a pun intended), and have it in a nice tall 13-ounce glass. I know I’m gonna.

 

Milady M. M’Dear