If you haven’t planned ahead for Christmas
like Sparky has (“planned a head”? Get it? Oh, never mind), it’s still not too
late to make up for lost time. this year, as always, the Uncle Fun and Sparky
Holiday Clearing House and Discount Factory Outlet is the place to go for all
your last-minute Christmas gift ideas. (It’s also the place to go if you want
to buy a discount factory, but that’s another story.)
Before we move on to this year’s hot
holiday items, I’d like to put in a word for one of our newest suppliers, Bob’s
Fine Wines and Small Engine Repair of Funsville. It’s a relatively new
business, but one which is already garnering renown for their work on lawn
mowers, mopeds, and rototillers, as well as their unique blends of the choicest
vintages of Chardonnay, Moscato, and Valvoline. Bob tells me that there’s been
a run on his own private label, Chateau Intake Manifold. Apparently, they can’t
keep it on the shelves. That may have more to do with the quality of the
carpentry in Bob’s storeroom than the quality of the wine, though.
Now that I’ve swapped that cheap plug for
a case of Venezuelan Riesling, on to some gifts that are sure to bring joyful
exultation (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) to all those who receive them
this Christmas. Here we go, then—On, Dasher! On, Dancer! On, Discounts! On,
Bargains!
-And, for starters, on the general principle that anyone
who’d follow a star over hill and dale just to see a baby in a bale of hay
isn’t exactly among the upper intelligentsia, we bring you Stooge Manger.
This charming
nativity scene features all the usual cast of characters—and, front and centre
as the Three Wise Men, Larry, Moe, and your choice of Curly, Shemp, Joe Besser,
or Curly Joe DeRita.
-Those who
prefer their cinema a little more on the intellectual side will appreciate our
newest holiday goodie: Candy Citizen Kanes.
Like the film that inspired them, they take a bit of getting used to—some
people aren’t too keen on the whole idea of licking Orson Welles, and others
are put off by the strong aftertaste of rosebud.
-Speaking of
edibles…if you like Christmas, and you enjoy the wholesome goodness of frozen
French fries, you’re sure to love Kringle Cut Potatoes.
These tasty tater treats come in the shapes of all your favourite North Pole
personages—elves, reindeer, Mrs. Claus, and of course, jolly old St. Nick
himself. Heat up a batch on Christmas Eve; leave a plate of them out for Santa;
make them for Christmas dinner; stuff the turkey with them. They’re a great
after-Christmas snack, too—if you didn’t get all the presents you were hoping
for, you can get even with Santa by biting his head off.
-A truly
special holiday gift item designed by (and for) my darling M’Dear is Jiggle
Bells. They’re like those tassels worn by
exotic dancers, only…well, if you know what I’m talking about, you know what
I’m talking about. If you don’t, ask a friend.
-Not everyone
experiences the joy (?) of celebrating Christmas in a cold, snowy climate. Many
of our fair-weather friends are also interested in conserving the planet’s
precious natural resources. This Christmas, they can do both, thanks to Rudolph
the Red-Nosed Rain Barrel. 
Not only does
it help you save up water for…well, whatever it is people save up water for,
but Rudolph’s nose lights up when he’s full, to prevent wasteful overflow and
spillage.
-Last but not
least…(take a deep breath, Uncle Fun—you can make it through this)…Every year,
we let Sparky design and test-market a new Christmas toy, and this year is no
exception. Sparky’s been concerned about what he perceives to be a distinct
lack of edge, or oomph, or what have you, in the traditional Christmas
characters and stories. To counteract this, he’s come up with a brand new
action figure. This, hot off the drawing board, is the concept sketch for Ebeneasyrider Scrooge.
Hmm…maybe next year will be an
exception.
Merry Christmas to you and yours (and to
somebody else’s as well, if you know them) from all of us (and then some),
Uncle Fun
P.S. If th’ Larry,
Moe an’ Curly nativity scene goes over big this Chrismuss, next year I’m gonna
do The Three Scrooges.
Sparky
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