Can you overrun first base if you're being overrun by first basemen?

Hello, fellow questers after granting-body-fundable truth, this is…

…Science Boy.

   Now that Fenway Park (named after its designer, the Chinese-Korean architect Fen Wai Park) is offically entering its second century as a major legue ballyard, I thought you might like to know about the important part my team at the Advanced Research Division of the Legion of Goodness have played in the long and storied history of the stadium’s principal tenants. It was, in fact, my suggestion that Boston’s American League baseball franchise be named after the random expected value of the deviation of the sum of all variables in a series beginning with zero to the unknown power of X. The equation was abbreviated thus to fit on to the front of a jersey:

   More important than that, however, was the vital research undertaken by my team, and underwritten by the Red Sox, to help improve the game of baseball. We established, by means of a complicated series of algorithms, and some even more complicated rounds of “I spy” played in darkened rooms, that the first baseman is frequently a baseball team’s top run producer, and almost always leads the team in defensive putouts. Therefore, we determined that the perfect baseball player would be a first baseman who can play other positions as well. Over the years (don’t ask how long—let’s just say it involves a time machine, a steady supply of an elixir of youth, and a couple of other things you don’t want to know about), we have genetically engineered a number of prototypes with the ultimate goal of providing the Boston Red Sox with an entire team made up of first basemen. We are now just one step short of this goal, thanks to the success of Experiment 1B/UT-20, better known to baseball fans as “Kevin Youkilis”.

   A series of splices on Chromosome 3 (which establishes dominant first-basemen tendencies) has allowed Youkilis to take the field at whatever defensive position is required; once we override cellular rejection of mitochondrial RNA which would suppress an inherited tendency to hang curveballs, Youkilis will have full pitching capability, and will be ready for cloning under laboratory conditions, and then on the assembly line.

   With first-baseman perfection so close to becoming a reality, I’ve prepared a quick review of our previous experiments as a way of answering the question “can you make an entire baseball team of first basemen who have played for the Boston Red Sox?”

   Naturally, we’ll skip first base, since any member of this team who isn’t playing another position can play there. We’ll start instead at…

SECOND BASE

Billy Goodman

   To date, Billy is the only utilityman to win a batting title. Don’t look upon the fact that Goodman played 5 different positions while hitting .354 in 1950 as a sign that he was only there for his bat: see it as evidence of his supreme first-basemanly versatility.

SHORTSTOP

Nomar Garciaparra

   He put in 9 years as the Red Sox’ shortstop before the implantation of middle-infielder antibodies began to attack his immune system, forcing him to finish his major league career as a Dodger first baseman.

  Nomar is the obvious choice to start at short, but Jose Offerman will always be a sentimental favorite of mine…even though his fielding at times made it seem as though he’d have been better off with a snow shovel than a baseball glove.

 

THIRD BASE

Wade Boggs

 

   This Hall of Fame third baseman and 5-time batting champion spent his minor league career as a first baseman. He also began his Red Sox career at first base before switching after Carney Lansford (another of our successful experiments) was traded.

   Honourable mention goes to Jimmie Foxx, who began his major-league career at third base. We hadn’t quite gotten our hybridization techniques down pat when we worked on him, since we didn’t fully understand the demands of the third-base position yet. We assumed that Jimmie would be able to redirect batted balls off his big barrel chest with as much accuracy as he could make throws across the infield.

OUTFIELD

   Experiments with converting first basemen into left fielders were practically unnecessary, since any defensive ability at all is considered a bonus at that position. Developing the stronger throwing arm required of a right fielder unfortunately has proven a tougher nut for the First Baseman Conversion Project team to crack.

   Making the best outfield possible from the players that we have worked on requires bit of positional shuffling. Legendary Bosox left fielder Carl Yastrzemski would instead patrol right field…

  …while Bill Buckner’s smaller defensive range and weaker arm would leave him in left field…which, to the relief of Red Sox Nation, leaves him as far from first base as possible.

   Center field is also occupied by a controversial candidate—although it should be noted that the San Francisco Giants thought enough of Jack Clark’s foot speed and throwing arm to play him in center. Then they decided to try and win games, and shifted him to right.

CATCHER

   This position is an easy conversion. In fact, our earliest experiments with creating the ideal first baseman involved taking catchers and ruining their knees, backs, and throwing arms. One of our first breakthroughs on this part of the Red Sox Project was Rudy York.

   I hear the pros watch the ball into their gloves…but if you cross the plate a lot after you hit the ball, they tend to overlook how many times you drop the ball when you’re behind it. A batter who could hit a ton but who couldn’t really catch or play first base was half the battle won, at any rate.

   We fared much better with Scott Hatteberg.

He was a good enough catcher that he didn’t revert to first base until he signed with the Oakland A’s. We’re also very pleased with how our adjustments to his amygdala allowed him to take a full-bodied swing at every pitch he committed to.

PITCHER

   Wade Boggs could fill in here and throw a wicked knuckleball, but another former minor-league first baseman threw a better one for the Red Sox:

   Tim wakefield ’s resiliency makes him a one-man bullpen, because another Red Sox pitcher who played first base is the ace of the staff:



   No need for a designated hitter when you’ve got babe ruth toeing the rubber.

   While I check my messages to see if Cooperstown or the Human Genome Project has returned my calls, you can step into the batter's box at Box.com and listen to my latest adventure at this link. Until next time, remember—you’ll always be safe at home if you touch all bases first (whatever that means…I think I learned it from “One to Grow On” during a rainout on an NBC Saturday baseball broadcast).