Hello, teeming masses, it’s Moose here:
While I wait for Sparky to reappear (he can be a pain in the you-know-what, but he’s MY pain in the you-know-what) I’m killing time in the Fortress of Funitude, writing “It’s WERNHER von Braun, not WERNER von Braun” 50,000 times on the blackboard (check out this posting and this one to find out what brought THAT on).
My vigil is partly a house-sitting gig. As they do every time Friday the Thirteenth is due to roll around, Uncle Fun and his lady friend M’Dear have hit the road in the Funmobile, hawking what they swear on a bust of Luther Burbank is a bumper crop from a four-leaf clover plantation. The skeptic in me has a hunch that something not altogether horticultural is behind this harvest.
But enough about that already. The illustration at the top of this posting is by Mr. Cousins, who is helping Mrs. Cousins watch over me (which, confidentially, is more or less like letting Wile E. Coyote and a lit match watch over a carload of dynamite). Male Spouse Cousins has altogether too much time on his hands after submitting his master’s thesis, and has let his mind wander like a hobo with a train schedule. I submit the following as evidence—he actually shows this sort of thing to people, in the blind faith that they WON’T have him committed for it…
Thank you for that completely unsolicited vote of confidence on my sanity. Just for that, I won’t read you the story about Goldilocks and the Three Stages of the North Korean Rocket. Be that as it may (and it isn’t, so why should we even kid ourselves about it?), when my grey matter is at a loose end, it drifts towards such Vital Questions of Our Age as “can you make a professional football team from profesional football team logos?” You’ll note I’m restricting myself to the pro game—it’s not that I don’t think that there’s a wealth of potential talent in the college logo ranks…it’s just that I’m too lazy to look for it. Someday I’ll organize a pre-draft combine for the college logos, but for the time being, the professional ones are what I have the time and energy to work with.
I’ll start by building the team’s offence around a strong center:
Their recent successes with an attractively streamlined logo notwithstanding, this is what I think of when I hear the name ‘New England Patriots’. Pat Patriot (or, to give him the more appropriately Early American name I’ve always used for him, Henry Wadsworth Longsnapper) has that ‘don’t mess with me and mine’ look that turned my ancestors into United Empire Loyalists with a permanent case of Canadian chilblains. Whatever moniker he goes by, it can’t be a pleasant prospect to be face-to-face across the line of scrimmage with a dude who helped drive Lord Cornwallis back to England.
There was stiff competiton for the center position, as you can see:
This cat is ready to dish out a mountain mauling on any nose tackle in Creation, but I’ll put him at one of the guard positions. I want those claws of his free to go to work when he has to block on passing plays.
The rest of the offensive line will be filled out with the same principle in mind:
(We might have to watch that this guy doesn’t take too many penalties for unnecessary roughness.)
There’s no shortage of candidates for the skill positions in the offence. That’s not to say, however, that I exactly have an embarrassment of riches to choose from at quarterback:
(I think this logo is what prompted the Packers to draft Brett Favre way back when…he looks a little on the immobile side.)
(Politically incorrect, but built like a tank. I’m not sure about his arm, though. He may be most useful in short-yardage situations.)
This is my first-string QB:
(Note the resemblance to Eli Manning’s throwing motion. Passes longer than 20 yards are likely to be up for grabs.)
This is his primary target—a big, physical possession receiver out of the Art Monk/Harold Carmichael mould:
(Look at all the ground he’s covering…I count six U.S. states in the background. Talk about your ‘yards after catch’.)
It’s also good to have a deep threat with a flair for the spectacular:
(Kind of reminds me of Randy Moss or Terrell Owens, only with hooves. He could become a discipline problem if he doesn’t curb his tendency to—you should pardon the expression—horse around.)
My tight end is from the old school, and is there strictly to block:
I’m not too concerned about who I have at QB and receivers, though, because the talent available makes for a run-oriented offense. Rather than use a single featured back, I’ll rotate my ball carriers in depending on the situation.
Mr. St. Louis Cardinal here (yes, kids, that used to be name of a football team, too) looks like a good all-purpose back.
The way he carries the ball makes me a little worried about fumbling, so I’ll also use this more sure-handed tailback:
Monsieur Alouette and Mister Cardinal will generally be on the field together, lined up in a double wing formation.
When the going gets heavy, I have in a sturdy fullback in reserve:
(No teeny little free safety is going to slap the ball out of Smokey’s hands when he gets up a head of steam. I just have to find a way to keep him from going into hibernation when the playoffs start.)
I’ll bring this guy in to catch screen passes out of the backfield on second and long:
(He’s a strong open-field runner, and an even stronger open-field biter.)
This is my specialist for fourth-down dive plays and goal-line plunges:
And this fellow is our ace in the hole for when all else fails.
As long as our blocking clears a path for him, there’s something in every chamber of that six-shooter for each member of the defensive secondary. And, if we need to protect a fourth-quarter lead, he can wrap things up a little early by firing the final gun.
The one thing I’m not completely sure about is this team’s ability to punch the ball into the end zone on a regular basis. To make sure we still can score some points, I’ll call on the best kicker I can find:
If the rules committee doesn’t ban steel-toed boots, he should be money in the bank anytime we get inside the 35-yard line. Fortunately, he doubles as a punter, so at least we can pin the other team deep while I try to figure out if any of my guys can play defense.
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