Vasco da Gama, episode #7 (or, “The Conquistadors of Space”)

     Every now and then, I get a hankering to write comedy sci-fi. Then I write some, and remind myself why I only get the hankering every now and then. I can’t decide whether this is because I don’t like science fiction enough, or because I don’t hate it enough. I like science fiction for its element of “let’s pretend”, but I also know that sci-fi requires you, at least temporarily, to believe in some pretty ridiculous things. Zombies. Time travel. Ordinary people flying through space at speeds that would give ordinary people the worst case of motion sickness ever. William Shatner as a writer. William Shatner as an actor. William Shatner, period.

     My point here is that taking ridiculous things seriously is where comedy goes to die. An amoral robot dictator is hilarious when it’s Bender from Futurama. When it’s Stephen Harper…not so hilarious, really.

     So, this episode of Vasco got the sci-fi out of my system for a while. “Not nearly long enough”, say those of you who’ve heard any of the episodes of Science Boy vs. Professor Proteus which have links from other entries on this blog. I won’t argue that one with any of you. Fans of S.B. vs. P.P. (the law of averages says there should be one or two) will note that this week’s Vasco features the first appearance of Professor Proteus. They’ll also probably be grateful for the improvement in him over the years.

     I don’t know if they’d also be grateful for a Professor Proteus origin story (of sorts), but here goes. It all started with a thing my brother and I dreamed up to explain away the incomprehensible yet still trivial mischances that life has to offer. TV on the fritz? Professor Proteus must be jamming the signal with his thought control ray. Car won’t start? Professor Proteus is obviously testing his remote-controlled deep space energy-draining device on the battery. Lose a sock in the wash? Professor Proteus drew it to an alternate dimension, where he’s creating a fearsome behemoth out of loose laundry held together by static electricity.

     All that aside, it stands to reason that, with Science Boy and Professor Proteus appearing in this episode of Vasco, it’s sort of a lost “first” episode of Science Boy vs. Professor Proteus. Well, not exactly. Science Boy and Professor Proteus don’t even appear in the same scene together. Nope—not even once. For reasons I couldn’t defend even if I could remember them, I chose not to overdub one of the voices, or write the dialogue so that I could switch back and forth between them. Maybe I’ll write another show someday to explain why this all came about. Perhaps Professor Proteus zapped me with his Anti-Character-Doubling Beam.  

     There’s a bit of doubling going on in the structure of the episode as a whole, though. Not only is the “Misadventures With Rob” part of this episode a science fiction tale, so is the “Vasco da Gama” part. I attribute this to my ongoing and inexplicable fascination with bizarre futuristic updatings of historical and/or quasi-historical figures, most notably the epic exercise in almost-good-but-nearly-never-quite-bad-enough-to-be-so-bad-it’s-good known as Rocket Robin Hood.

     There—I’ve said it—I’m a Rocket Robin Hood junkie. Make of that what you will, but beware a mighty blow from my electro-quarterstaff. And before I go off on a tangent about whether the Maniacal King Tut of the Planet Nilor is a more worthy opponent for Rocket Robin than the Wicked Sheriff of N.O.T.T., I should just put up the link so you can listen to…

Vasco da Gama, episode #7