Vasco da Gama, episode #8 (or, “Title withheld for security reasons”)

     This episode is the second part of the two-part “Rob Vincent: Action Hero” trilogy. (Don’t try to figure that one out, folks—there never was a third part, nor was there supposed to be.) This time around, Rob has his cloak on, dagger at the ready, and is doing his best impression of James Bond—which is to say, an impression of someone who doesn’t care if anyone cares whether he’s doing an impression of James Bond or not. Again, there’s a parallel between Rob’s story and the “Vasco” segment of the program: Vasco is engaged in top-secret work of his own. Well, it’s as secret as can be expected from a man who bellows every line at the top of his lungs.

     So much for the cover story. Here are the secret files in the dossier for this week’s episode:

SECRET FILE 1: Rob’s secret spy code name—2, 4-D—is the name of a deadly pesticide. It’s one of the chief constituents of Agent Orange, who presumably works for the same spy organization as Rob. Agent B12, Rob’s contact, obviously leads a healthier lifestyle…he probably has a desk job.

SECRET FILE 2: If you have a lot of civic pride about Ottawa, this is NOT an episode for you. A fair bit of air time is spent dwelling on one of Ottawa’s worst-kept secrets—the fact that it still looks like a covert operation by the Ministry of Public Works to see how long construction projects can remain unfinished before anyone takes notice of it. Official buildings are by no means off limits from this: at any given time, some part of Parliament Hill looks like a drunken deadbeat dad’s half-started weekend home renovation project.

SECRET FILE 3: The passage of time may only have altered which specific part of Ottawa is torn up beyond recognition, but it’s utterly demolished the idea of using terrorism as comedy cannon fodder. All I can say to a post-9/11 audience is that the terrorists in this episode of Vasco aren’t meant to be funny because they’re terrorists. They’re meant to be funny for the same reason that almost everybody else in Vasco is meant to be funny: they’re completely terrible at what they do.   

SECRET FILE 4: Just how secret is this episode? The rest of the Vasco team has sworn a vow of silence over it. Ian remembers that the episode also went out under the title “The Vasco Who Came in from the Cold”, but asks, “any chance for more of a description of the episode?”, adding “I vaguely remember some leprechaun-esque accents”; Kel wonders, “we did a spy story?”; and Rob has nothing to say at all. “Tight-lipped” doesn’t begin to describe it. You’d get more out of the KGB if you asked them what Francis Gary Powers said after his plane went down.

     Now that you've been fully briefed, your mission—should you choose to accept it—is to click on the link below and listen to…

Vasco da Gama, episode #8

     If you have the keen ears of a super-spy—or even if you don’t—you’ll notice that an explosion you should be hearing towards the end of the episode simply isn’t there. The reason for this is classified—which is another way of saying “I haven’t any more idea about it than you do”. It may be that there was a flaw on one track of the master tape, or on the tape we used to mix down from the master for broadcast. Maybe we played the effect while we were dubbing to the master, but forgot to hit the “record” button for the sound effects track. Or maybe we just plain forgot to put the effect in altogether. It all happened so long ago, and so late at night, that no-one can remember. Since this episode is a spy story, I prefer to think of it as part of a giant CIA conspiracy and cover-up. It has a believable air of deniability, if nothing else. 

P.S. Here’s a special test for your powers of observation, all you budding George Smileys. Where are the three sets of signs and countersigns Rob uses in this episode taken from? Write your answers in the “Comments” space below.